i always wake up feeling different on january 1st

I always wake up feeling different on January 1st. This new year, I feel content and okay with things that are not necessarily okay. This year I want to give myself a permission for imperfection. In fant, this time I want more imperfection than ever before. I want to learn from it. I want to figure out how to live with it. I want to be familiar with it like an old friend. Before, I've always been afraid of it. I don't want to be afraid anymore. My imperfection is not my destiny or my fate. It simply is. Because -- shocker -- I'm human. I am not God. And striving for perfection is almost like striving to be in control like God. Impossible, silly, ridiculous. Embrace my imperfections. It is okay. No more fear. Only love. Love for my children, for John, for myself, for Jesus. Because perfect love drives out fear.

No more fear of wearing makeup because it might cause a breakout. No more fear of making phone calls to someone I love because I don't know what to say. No more fear of going to bed early because I know I might have insomnia or that it will disrupt my last quiet moments of the day. No more fear of running because I know I can't keep a schedule or that I might not reach my goals. No more fear of keeping to a daily routine because my anxiety might disrupt it and make me feel like a failure. No more fear of creating because my expectations are too high and I won't be able to translate what I want to a canvas or a sketchbook. No more! This isn't fair. What do I want for myself? What can I do to attain it? Is what I am doing now bringing life or destruction?

I want more rest. I want more knowledge. I want better relationships. I want clean, home-cooked meals. I want to be aware of Jesus's presence. I want to read. A lot. To myself, to my babies. I want peace and confidence and kindness. No fear.

- Start running again. It doesn't matter how often. Just do it. A goal of achieving five miles.

- No Facebook during the day. Only in the morning when I first wake up, and once at night after the kids go to bed. That's it. I want to focus on what's real and touchable and what are the desires of my heart.

- Eat like I love myself. True love, not a love that is stiff and follows rules and begrudgingly submits. Not an indulgent, impulsive, immature love, either. Eat real food. Cook meals at home. Healthfully limit sugars. Find balance and peace. My goal is life.

- Keep a budget. Write down all my spending. The Target dollar spot does not bring me joy. Resist frivolousness. Spend consciously,

- Read, read, read. My goal is two books a month.

- Drink water.

- Be in bed at a reasonable time.

- Don't nag. Be straight to the point. Let little things go, take up big things to God. In all things, pray.

- Create. Paint. Sew. Photograph. Sketch. Draw. Color. Imagine. Write.

- Take a photograph a day.

- Start blogging again.

- And lastly, my biggest resolution this year is to start back up again if I fail. Failure is a part of life. Don't give up just because I didn't meet my goals. I am giving myself permission to fail and try and mess up and succeed and try and do things half-way and focus and lose focus and do great and try again.

Because I want to. Not because I have to.

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