9.19.2015

forgetting

I realized something about myself. I have such a one-track mind that I will forget to focus on something big and constant in my life. A few months ago I was all, I'm going to learn more about photography! I want to be a professional! I want to perfect my skills! So, for about two months I read, studied, practiced, and learned. I picked up my camera daily and perfected my focus and white balance when capturing mundane things, and I made art that I actually put work into, photographs I was proud of because they were technically correct and planned. Then something happened (I don't remember what, probably we went out of town for the day or I got sick or something) and I realized a few weeks had gone by without picking up the camera. I'd literally forgotten about photography. It simply slipped my mind and did not reenter. It wasn't a nagging in the back of my head at night, like it had been. It was just... no more. My conscience chucked it to the wayside and there was nothing I could do about it, until I remember again. And I felt sad, because in my forgetting I'd stopped learning! It was like I had no control over it. It was there, and then it wasn't. I have yet to pick up the camera again.

This has happened with so many things. It's frustrating because it's as though I really can only focus on one thing at a time. Right now my big things are laundry and homeschooling. That sounds silly, but I'm serious. Homeschooling, for obvious reasons, and laundry because I've been on top of it for a week now and I'm so set on not letting it pile up again. I have one load going right now, a load to fold, and a load in the hamper. The ball is rolling and I'm balancing on it pretty damn well. But soon, I'm going to get distracted and forget to do a load one of these days and then it will all be down hill from there. I'll have eight loads strewn about the hallway and piled the couch and the dirty clothes will mingle with the clean clothes and eventually I'll throw my hands up in the air and scream screw it, I'll just wash it ALL. I'll think, what happened?! But the depressing answer will be, I forgot to do laundry one day and that led me to forget for good, until it was so out of control that I couldn't forget a day longer. Yes, I will actually forget the laundry has to be done for my family of five.

You could say, put it on a to-do list! Make it a part of your daily routine! Oh yes, this is a fine and good idea until one day, I forget to look at my to-do list. Or it remains a part of the routine, until one day, I can't follow the usual routine because of other responsibilities (or we go out of town or I get sick or something) and I forget altogether that I actually have a daily routine that I follow.

My forgetting is not intentional, though it almost sounds like it could be. It's like when you pass by a piece of fuzz on the floor. You notice it and your brain registers that it's there and needs to be picked up, but for some reason you never do. Then a week passes and the fuzz is still there. You notice everyday. Yet it doesn't get picked up. It's not on purpose... it just is.

That is my life, with everything.

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