when i'm not a nice mommy

Some of my favorite moments are when the kids have gone to bed, the baby is asleep, classical music is playing on my Pandora station (yes, I am a nerd), coffee is in my cup, and it's quiet. Just quiet.

I treasure quiet moments, as a mom. I hardly get any these days. Someone is always asking questions, whining, arguing, singing, squealing, crying, or making strange noises. Usually all three of them are going at the same time. My brain doesn't do well with noise... it drives my anxiety probably more then anything else, and then I get grumpy. Some days I feel like I'm Mean Mommy all day long. My kids say my name, "Mommy?" And I return with a short, "what. What do you want." As in, what could you possibly need to say at the volume in which you are saying it, and can't it wait two minutes? Can't you be quiet for two minutes?!

I love being a mother. And these days are hard. Not I love being a mother, but these days are hard. Motherhood encompasses all that it brings... it's not despite the hard days; I love being a mommy. Being a mommy is just... hard. It's just a fact.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with my rambling. Sometimes I feel like a hyprocrite to my past self. I have some days that just flow: everyone's happy, I don't yell one single time, Chase goes down for long naps, the kids don't fight, I respond to every request sweetly and with a smile on my face and think, "Why do I think this is so hard sometimes? It's all in my attitude. It's all in how I perceive my moment, and how I respond to the difficult ones." And then I'll have a bad day and think, "Where did I go wrong?!"

It's true though, much of it does actually have to do with how I perceive my moment and how I respond to the bad ones. I have to ask myself -- is it worth it to freak out? Or can I just take a moment to breathe and realize it's not as bad as I think it is. This moment is as it is. My motherhood mantra. It is what it is. I can't change it, I can only work with it.

Like when I've told the kids not to dig in the dirt, only to look outside a see a mound of dirt on the patio because they wanted to build sand (dirt) castles on the sidewalk. Yeah, not my shiniest moment.

Or when I've finally gotten the baby, who was sick I might add, down for a nap, and River bursts in and Chase's eyes fly open. She looks at me just as I'm laying her down in my bed and her eyebrows go up as if to say, "What are you doing, Mama? Certainly not putting me down and leaving?! No, you will rock me for twenty more minutes." Also not my shiniest moment. I cannot tell you how often I whisper-threaten through gritted teeth, GETOUTOFMYROOMRIGHTNOW. ISAIDDONOTCOMEINHERE. IAMPUTTINGTHEBABYTOSLEEP.

Yeah, being a mommy is hard, and I haven't quiet figured out how to be the perfect mother. If you find out, let me know. I can only hope that the people who see my mistakes won't judge me, that my children who take the brunt of my mistakes forgive me, and that I can give myself the grace that I know God undoubtedly will.

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