how trials helped me let go

Something funny happens when I lose control of the situation. I give it up. I breathe. It seems the the harder the situation, the more I let go. In 2013, when our car was dying and we couldn't afford another, I let go. When we had to find an apartment in a month and were completely unprepared to for the extra costs, I let go. Then, in 2014, when I found out I was pregnant and went through the hardest physical thing I have ever endured, I let go.

I didn't expect to be so sick and so fatigued for 9 months, but that's what happened. At 14 weeks, during a fleeting few hours when I thought I might be loosing my precious baby, I realized that despite being so, so sick, I was very happy to be pregnant. I was living a priceless blessing and I knew that I would go through hell and back for this life. And every time I threw up I was grateful that this baby was still mine. When I couldn't lift my head off my pillow I reminded myself that it was only temporary, and that all this sickness was eventually leading to one of the greatest blessings in my life -- another child. Everything else that seemed important before suddenly wasn't, and couldn't be, because all we could do was survive. When mommy's down, everyone's down. Pregnancy was my pause button. There was a lot of fast food eaten, a lot of TV watched, but we made it. Chase was our story in 2014.

I never expected pregnancy to lift me out of depression. It's not something I have written about on this blog, but I have struggled with depression off and on since I was a teen. It would get better, then worse, then it would hang somewhere in the middle and I wouldn't recognize the signs, I would think I was fine and still have moments of terrible sadness. I prayed against postpartum depression before I was even pregnant with Chase -- I went through that with Austen, and it was a very dark place. I did not want to go through that again.

The baby blues hit me hard after Chase was born, but it only lasted for a couple of weeks, and it was very different from PPD. I felt very teary and emotional about every little thing, but my logical brain was still there, thinking, "Oh my gosh, you are just a wreck! What is wrong, anyway?!" It lasted about three or four weeks, and when it went away, I felt so free and light. I have a joy in my heart that has lingered longer than it ever has before. I'm happy. I'm not only happy, I am content. I've always prayed for contentment.

I am happy to walk into this new year without depression. I feel like I've shaken it off, kicked it a couple times, given it the finger, and left it there to wallow on it's own. "Eff you, depression! Get out of my life and my home and leave me the hell alone!" It's a good feeling.

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