5.21.2014

better

Today is the first day in the last four months that I have felt normal.

I've been feeling pretty good the last few weeks. Three weeks, I'd say. I've had a couple of bouts of sickness here and there, where I've come very close to losing it (I've perfected to art of resisting seemingly inevitable vomit), but today as I was standing in the grocery store looking at seed packets and tropical plants that are hard to kill, I thought, "Wow. I actually feel... good right now." I had an energy I haven't felt in months. I was happy to be where I was and not fighting nausea, light-headedness, or exhaustion. By feeling normal, I mean that I didn't lie in bed once today -- the first day since I've been pregnant. I didn't have to clear my throat every five seconds as I talked to my kids, for fear of gagging. I didn't have to say, "Okay, we should really go now... I'm not feeling well." And surprisingly, I didn't have to deal with too much heartburn (until I ate too many fishsticks for dinner, but that's my own fault). I even had a cookie and felt fine afterward. (Sweets have been making me feel bad... so this may or may not be a great thing, as now that I am feeling better I may eat more cookies. Hmm...)

I took the lowest dose of Zofran today and didn't feel like I had to throw up. In fact, at 10:23 I am just now starting to feel not too hot... and then I realize I forgot to take my meds an hour ago. I think I'll skip it and just head to bed and sleep it off. I have high hopes for tomorrow and the rest of my pregnancy.

The thing that really made my day and filled my heart was tonight as Austen was "helping" me with my meal planning. You know... toddler helping. We were looking up recipes for this coming week and I suggested she walk with me to the kitchen to see what was in the fridge, so I didn't miss adding anything to my grocery list. As we were walking down the hallway, little hand in hand, she looked up at me and just beamed. And her smile totally and completely said, "I have my mommy back."

Severe morning sickness doesn't just effect me -- unfortunately, it effects my whole family. My kids have been such troopers the last few months and I'm sure they have no idea what the heck was going on. I don't know how they were able to handle such a drastic change in our daily lives. We explained that I have a baby in my tummy and that my body has to work extra hard to make the baby and that it makes me sick for a while. They were as understanding as a two- and four-year-old could possibly be, and River was my sweetest little helper. Fetching my throw-up bucket for me. Handing me tissues. Fluffing my pillow. Grabbing my towel. Refilling my water cup. They were amazing -- for the past four months, my children have practically been caring for me.

I'd forgotten I even had the capacity for patience; I feel like I've spent a great majority of the time yelling, because it's easier to yell from my bed than attempt the impossible: getting up to parent correctly. I couldn't even move without throwing up. If I was up moving around, I threw up every 15 minutes. It was impossible... I think I really disconnected myself from it, knowing that it would be only temporary. I think that's the only way I survived without emotionally breaking down.

I am so glad to be feeling well again. I missed being a mommy and a human being.



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