11.12.2013

to sing God's praise

I've never thought about these lyrics before. Sometimes I have to remind myself to really listen to the words of familiar hymns, especially if they are a bit cryptic for a kid to understand, since I've sung these since I was a kid. I just realized today that this verse of Amazing Grace is about heaven. It gave me chills. Gave me little plink plinks.

When we've been there ten thousand years...
We've no less days to sing God's praise than when we've first begun.

There are times in my life when I feel in my spirit that no matter what happens in this life, I will spend eternity in God's presence, worshiping him, and that is enough. Honestly though, it's not a comfort I feel often, especially since I tend to be a worrier. I think of worst case scenarios and dwell on them, as if thinking hard about it happening means it will never happen, or that I will be prepared in some way if it were to happen. This isn't true in the least bit. I hope to get to that point in my life when my focus is always on heaven and glorifying God, instead of Really Bad Things That Could Happen.

I want a tattoo that symbolizes this passage from the Bible, to help me remember it always:

Matthew 6:26-34 "Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry.... But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
When I catch that rare glimpse of how beautiful and joyous heaven will be, I feel a peace I can't explain.

Everything will be okay. In the end, everything will be okay. But I know there are some days I won't believe this. Probably most days, actually.

I feel like I am going through a time in my life where a lot of uncomfortable healing is happening. I'm working through some painful stuff and learning a lot about who I am, and I'm trying to be open to what God has to say to me. I've realized the past few months that I deal with certain things in my nature that I hadn't noticed before. I found out recently that a lot of my "issues" (like exploding at my kids) stem from anxiety, which is the root problem. I can't control my anxiety, and it's not debilitating, so I want to explore it before jumping to the decision to take medication, but ultimately I am trying to get to a place where I surrender to God and allow him to heal me.

It hasn't been an easy thing, but I've already seen the work God can do in my life when I follow him. He healed my marriage and my relationship with my husband is stronger than it has ever been before. I trust God. I have faith in him. But seriously, it took me a while to get to the place where I can say I had complete faith in him. I still struggle with it daily. I don't believe God gives handouts, or slaps band-aids on everyone who asks for one. So I question whether God is willing to heal me of anxiety; I know he has the power to, but do I believe he will? I thought, and still think sometimes, that it is a problem he expects me to deal with on my own.

I'm not sure what I believe now, but I have more faith that he is guiding me along my healing journey. I can't say fully that I know he will heal me. But do I believe he wants me to be calm and have peace? Yes. So I'm just sticking with that right now.

That verse from Amazing Grace gave me new hope. What a beautiful thought -- forever in the presence of God, who created me, knows me, wants me, loves me.

You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. Search me, God, and know my heart; know my anxious thoughts. (Verses from Psalm 139)

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