Austen pooped and it was leaking out her diaper and all down her leg. (Side note: I am getting rid of all our pocket diapers. Hate them.) She is terrified of poop and was freaking out. I was trying to gently explain to her that I could help her and that we needed to go to the bathroom to change her diaper. I don't want to make it more traumatic than it already is, so I was avoiding just wrestling her down/stripping/wiping while she fights with me. After a few minutes of this I realize there is no way to get her to comply, so I stop trying to reason with her and just pick her up and take her to the bathroom. She begins screaming bloody murder and kicking and trying to get out of my arms.
Meanwhile, River is following and babbling on about something. Our bathroom is not exactly roomy when dealing with a poopy child, and he is getting in the way. I lose my patience with him and yell, "GET OUT! SHUT THE DOOR AND GET OUT WHILE I AM DEALING WITH YOUR SISTER! SHE IS COVERED IN POOP!" He starts whimpering because his feelings are hurt. After he shuts the door, I manage to take off Austen's diaper and wipe the poop off her leg, all while continuing to gently explain to her that it's not a big deal, we will get her clean, it's okay, shh shh shh. River is knocking on the door and sticking things underneath, which makes Austen even more upset and she is screaming at him to stop.
He then opens the door and tries handing me my cell phone, which is ringing. I can't answer it because my hands are dirty, so I yell at him to get out, I will deal with the phone later (everything is yelling at this point because Austen is screaming so loud). A moment later he is back to tell me Daddy is on the phone and he says it is "emergency 911." New reason to freak out. Wondering what in the world could be wrong, I hurriedly wash my and Austen's hands and take the phone from River. On speaker phone (and over Austen's screaming), he explains that he just talked to management and they are here to do the inspection and spray for insects... like, they are walking up to our door RIGHT NOW. Not exactly an emergency, but I have a screaming, naked baby who still has poop on her butt, and I am not wearing a bra. I quickly finish wiping and diapering Austen (who is still screaming, let this be clear) and put on a bra.
I run to the living room, where I see that River has taken it upon himself to open the blinds AND our large living room window, ensuring that everyone -- management and neighbors -- can hear the screaming and yelling from the last ten minutes or so. The kids made a fort in the living room this morning so I have to navigate my way through blankets and chairs to get to the door. No one is there... I ask River if someone came to the door, and he nods innocently. Awesome. Austen is still screaming, by the way. So, apparently I missed the door and everyone now most likely believes we are a truly disfunctional family.