Tonight I'm sort of halfheartedly dwelling in pain and confusion. Over a year ago, my pastor, the man who married John and me, defriended me on Facebook. Okay, I know "defriended on Facebook" sounds so juevenile, but I was pretty wounded. Thinking it was an accident, I messaged him and sent him a friend request. He ignored both, and to this day I have no idea why.
Actually, I think I know why.
One reason might be because we were going to start a church plant with him a couple months before we left Texas. Before Austen was born, we bowed out and explained the situation and said we felt led elsewhere. The building we had begun to meet in was a 45 mile round trip and was costing us about $120 in gas a month, which was something that we literally could not afford at the time. It wasn't physically or financially possible. Then about a month later we had Austen, and didn't hear a word from the people we considered a part of our church family (yes, we still considered them our church family. After all, church isn't a building. It's communion with people who worship God, yes? We were there to support and love one another, yes? Guess not.) No one congratulated us, visited us. Six weeks later, we moved to Washington. A few calls from my husband were ignored, and shortly after, our pastor deleted me from his friends list.
Moving to Washington was the right thing at every angle, because our finances, marriage, family structure, and relationships all were met with positive changes. We'd been trying to move from Texas seriously for a year. We'd gotten rid of things we thought we didn't need throughout that year, in hopes that we would move. Maybe he was upset that we backed out on the commitment. But to be cut off? Deleted? Ignored?
That's all I can think of.
Wait, I can think of one more thing. He is a republican and I am a democrat. I hate that that is even in the realm of possibility as to why he no longer wanted any contact with me. The whole situation gets under my skin and makes me want to shake it off of me in disgust, like I've been plunged in dirty lake water. Why is this even an issue in the church? This isn't the first time I have felt shut out, abandonded, and cut off because of where I stand politically. You'd think in a church family, it wouldn't matter. You'd think to the pastor you did ministry with for six years, at numorous different churches, through the time you dated and we engaged and married and had two children, it wouldn't matter. I can understand not being able to lead together. I can understand disagreeing quietly and respecting one another's opinions.
Maybe this blog post is clearly holding the anger I feel. It should. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of church politics and bitterness. I'm sick of wishing I had a church family, but being afraid of being myself, not loudly or with gusto, but casually in conversation. In relationships I consider important to me. I'm sick of wishing I could connect with fellow Christians, but being afraid that I will viewed as lost or broken or led astray because my convictions and beliefs are different than theirs.
I'm just sad. And still hurt.