i hated being pregnant

 

I recently received a message from a sweet girl with whom I share a mutual friend. We don't know one another very well, but she is going through a difficult first pregnancy and wanted to talk to someone who openly admitted to hating being pregnant, and if you read any of the blog posts I wrote when I was pregnant, it won't take you long to see that pregnancy and I do NOT get along well. Being pregnant with my sweet babies brought along with it about four months of  throwing up every day, sometimes multiple times a day (18 weeks during my first pregnancy, 24 weeks during the second). I had anemia that left me exhausted, week, and light-headed, my back and hips hurt so horribly that sometimes I could hardly lean down or walk without crying out in pain, and during my second pregnancy I was crazy-bitch emotional.

It is hard admitting you hate being pregnant, especially when people act like you should think it is a beautiful, amazing thing and should enjoy it. I have yet to find a woman who has gone through extreme morning sickness and says they "loved" being pregnant. I hated being pregnant. Hated. Being pregnant and dealing with extreme morning sickness, anemia, aches, pains, exhaustion, hormones, depression, anger even... I understand that all. There is nothing "beautiful" or "amazing" about that shit!

The truth is that what your body is doing is amazing, but that doesn't mean it feels all butterflies and sunshine, or that you even have to like it. You should certainly have more respect for your body when all is said and done. It is amazing to see what your body went through and what your body is capable of. But it's okay to feel "victim" to the pregnancy. On top of feeling like a pile of crap, the hormones and emotions make processing everything ten times harder. When I was pregnant with Austen, I cried practically every day. I am not kidding. I was so emotional during that pregnancy, and then that roller coaster went down hill at full-speed as I dealt with postpartum depression. We expect to feel better after birth, but our body is trying to go back to normal, and the hormones are just as out-of-whack as they were during pregnancy.

Then the daunting part was that when I was pregnant with River, so many people told me that it was going to be even harder when the baby arrived, that I would wish I was pregnant again. I remember sitting through my birth class and my midwife explaining how birth is a labyrinth, and then raising a newborn is the way out of the labyrinth. That it was be difficult and that I would feel confused and lost sometimes, but that I would find my way out. I was disappointed, because I wanted to be done with all the confusing, scary stuff after labor.

There are difficult days. Many times parenting confuses me and I feel lost. If anyone says differently, I'm just going to throw it out there that they are probably lying. But when my babies were born, it felt so right, and was so much better than being pregnant. It's challenging in an entirely different way than a difficult pregnancy. Don't hold me to it, but if you are going through an incredibly difficult pregnancy, I think you are going to feel the same. I am going to guess that the women telling you differently had pretty easy pregnancies. Until someone has spent four months puking their guts out every day, not being able to eat because their esophagus is torn and bleeding, not being able to catch a whiff of anything without gagging or throwing up... they have no clue what you are going through.

I was relieved. I would trade puking my guts out and damaging my esophagus for those long nights with a crying, wide-awake baby any day. ANY DAY! I can imagine that if I'd had easy pregnancies, maybe I would wish I was pregnant again on those difficult early days. But nothing has been harder than being pregnant with morning sickness for months. Nothing. Not even labor. Not even my excruciating labor with Austen. After both my babies, I said I would much rather give birth again than have morning sickness.

Hating pregnancy does not make you a bad mom. You hate what your body is having to go through... not your precious baby. Emotions may make you feel bitter toward the little person inside you who is causing all of this, but your logical mind knows it's not your baby's fault. When you are pregnant, it is okay to indulge in your emotions. It's okay to just sit there and cry your eyes out and think WHY ME?!! It really is. Look at your emotions straight in the face, even while the logical side is saying, "I know I'm just feeling like this because I'm hormonal... I know this will pass." Don't feel guilty. Guilt never does a mother good. You will find plenty of other things to feel guilty about as your child grows!

Every woman experiences pregnancy differently, and every emotion needs validation.

how getting off the computer made me a better mommy

It's exactly midnight and this is the first time the computer has had my undivided attention for almost two weeks.

Rewind to about a month ago. We had been having a lot typical almost-three-year-old problems with River. Talking back, doing mean little things to his sister like poking or pushing her just to get a reaction, getting into things, repeatedly not listening, blatantly disobeying... but it was constant. All. Day. Long. Our mornings, afternoons, and nights were full of him being naughty and me yelling. It was exhausting and I was losing my shit. River has always been sweet and laid back, and thankfully his antics usually end up being stages. He's not a fit thrower and his worst offences have been being too curious and too wild. But this "stage" was lasting forever, and had reached a point that left me in complete shock -- when he screamed at and hit my own mom out of anger during our 4th of July celebration. It was something he had never done before and I was mortified and confused. I did not even know how to react. I hate spanking, always said I wasn't going to spank my children, yet I found myself spanking him almost every day. Out of anger, and out of a loss of what to do. My normally very sweet boy hitting my mom was a reality check. 

While I told myself I couldn't figure it out and had no clue why he was suddenly turning into such a trouble maker, I knew the underlying problem had to do with a few things. I wasn't giving him enough attention, and instead of slowing down to talk him through his problems and getting to the root of his naughty behavior, I was getting upset, yelling, speaking harshly, spanking, and banishing him to his room. Making emotional choices when I needed to be calm. Something had to change. I knew this kind of bad behavior from myself was damaging our relationship and that the problem was just going to get worse and worse, and that if I kept parenting like this, I was going to reap what I was sowing later on in life. How could I expect my child to behave if I couldn't act loving, patient, and kind myself?

About a week and a half ago, my family went out of town and we were on house and dog-sitting duty. This is always enjoyable, because my parents have cable TV and free food. ("Eat everything in the house!" OKAY I WILL TOTALLY EAT EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE.) Everyone took their laptops so I was computerless and had to rely solely on my phone for crappy internet connection, which made sure that the most time I spent online was ten minutes. By the end of the first week, I noticed an amazing change in my son and in myself. We were both calm. We were both more patient. My attention was on him and not on a screen in front of my face. When conflict arose, I dealt with it at the heart, rather than finding a quick fix. I had hardly even raised my voice. He was going to time-out less, and I spanked all but once the entire week. I was enjoying my little boy again. I was enjoying being a mommy.

The moment I realized it was the computer that was our problem was when we stopped at home for a bit one afternoon in the middle of running errands and I hopped on to check out Facebook and Pinterest. It did not take more than two minutes for River to do something annoying, and I was losing my patience with him again. I angered quickly and spoke harshly. The realization of my problem -- the problem of being easily distracted, not having my priorities in place, and practicing easy parenting; that is, reacting emotionally rather than displaying the behavior I want to see in my son -- was so monumental, that I immediately stepped away from the computer, did what I needed to do at home, and left. I needed to get away from it. I needed to redirect my focus. To simply be. To live in the small moments and recognize that how I react to my children, moment by moment, is how I shape the person my child will be.

I'm glad I had the opportunity to force myself to step away from the computer. I don't think I would have done it on my own. In a way, I knew it was a problem, but I didn't know the effect it truly had on my parenting, and I don't think I would have realized how important it was if I hadn't spent almost two weeks away from it. Now I know, and I also know that things will go back to being difficult again if that's what I choose. But I can choose differently. I know the time that my children are so small and so forgiving is so short.

why i'm the crazy one who said no to the epidural

I wrote this post a couple years ago. I've grown as a mother and changed as a woman and didn't like the "judge-y" tone this post had. So I changed it. I don't judge anyone for getting an epidural or birthing in a hospital or getting a c-section, planned or emergency. I love natural birth. It's a beautiful process and design, and with the right preparation and education, I believe many other women would love it as well. I believe birth and the attitude toward birth desperately needs to change in America -- not just in hospitals, but in out-of-hospital birth, as well. Below are reasons I chose not get an epidural, but I don't expect everyone to make this decision. Your birth, your body.

I first became interested in homebirth when I was fourteen and my mom gave birth to my sister without an epidural. I had never even imagined a natural, drug-free birth. I just assumed it was part of the birthing process - go to the hospital, get induced, get an epidural. It was the poor women in remote villages in third world countries who had to, unfortunately, give birth without pain meds.



My mom had an epidural with her first three kids. When she was giving birth to my sister Sky, her third, they administered too much and she could feel the numbness creeping up past her lungs and to her neck, and it became difficult for her to breathe. She decided that with the next baby, she would try a drug-free birth. However, by the time she was in active labor, she told the nurse to give her an epidural, but she had already progressed so far so fast there wasn't time.

She said she was amazed at how she felt afterward. The pain was gone instantaneously as Emma fully entered the world. She was able to get up and walk around immediately after the birth of baby and placenta, and she felt normal, even energized -- something she had never felt after giving birth. Emma was different than her other newborns. She was awake and very alert, not sleepy from the epidural. Some people may tell you that the epidural won't effect the baby, but think about it -- you are not even supposed to take aspirin and ibuprofen when you are pregnant! Everything that enters the mother's bloodstream passes the placenta and reaches the baby.

A few things can occur when an epidural is administered. Sometimes too much is given during the pushing process, and the woman can't push properly, because she can't feel what she's doing. This can lead to not being able to push enough, or push the right way, to get the baby out, but it could also cause the woman to push too hard (and not know it) which can cause pretty bad tearing. Sometimes, the baby isn't in an anterior, head-first position, and in order for the baby to be delivered vaginally, mom needs to switch pushing positions. This can't be done when the mother's lower body is numb from an epidural.

Most of the time, the epidural is taken off a bit when it's time to push, so the woman can actually feel what she's doing. This could make the pain worse, since many women on an epidural are also on pitocin. The epidural also blocks the natural endorphins from being given off by the brain to counteract with the pain of the contractions. The woman's body hasn't felt the pain of contractions, so her brain isn't even making the connection that her body is in labor.

Another thing that I find fascinating about these endorphins is that in a natural, drug-free labor, when a woman gives birth, she literally gets an emotional and sometimes physical high when she gives her last push and her child has finally entered into the world. It's one of the most beautiful things in the process of labor, like a reward for all the hard work her body has done for hours.

Ideally, an epidural is administered between 5-6 centimeters of dilation. If an epidural is administered too early, it can possibly slow labor down. This is when pitocin must be given. Pitocin causes a woman's contractions to be unnaturally long and hard (because there is a constant drip of pitocin going, instead of spurts of oxytocin, which happens during natural labor), which causes more intensity, which calls for more epidural, which calls for more pitocin, which calls for more epidural, and so on. The long and hard contractions caused by the pitocin can stress out the baby and even restrict blood flow. It is possible that this may lead to a cesarean section.

Sometimes holding off on an epidural is easier said than done. Very few hospitals are seeing women birth naturally, which means nurses and doctors simply are not used to a naturally birthing woman. Often a woman is pushed to have an epidural. They are our healthcare providers, and we trust them. But too often, an epidural slows down early labor and the natural progression a woman's body is accomplishing is interrupted.
Like I said, I do not judge a woman for taking advantage of an epidural. I mean, hello. I knew that if I birthed any kids in a hospital, I would be asking for that damn epidural already. What needs to change is making birth in hospital more friendly for the mothers who want to do it naturally, without having to fight tooth and nail to accomplish that.

And I think it goes without saying that the mother who births drug-free is not any stronger than the mother who chooses an epidural. Sometimes an epidural can be a good thing in labor, by relaxing the mother and helping her open. All in all, the risk of serious complications from an epidural is pretty low. The instance of baby death during a c-section is remarkably low. I chose drug-free birth for myself, mainly for experience, and after two births -- one that was calm & "easy," and one that was intense and painful -- I'll choose it again, if we have more children.

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judging another woman's birth

This is a question someone asked on a birth forum about Austen's birth after watching the video, and below it is my response. The writer was very respectful and kind and I was not offended at all. She offered her opinion, and I felt it necessary to respond with my own.

A couple of things about this video confuse me. Maybe someone can clarify. They drove to a birth center to be "checked". Guessing this means having her vitals taken. Perhaps even a vaginal exam. Yet they return home. Is this because they are deemed to be in labor too early to merit being at the center? Thinkiing that a homebirth mama wouldn't have a reason to go to the birth center... Then the midwife arrives. Guessing that is because the labor went so quickly and it was safer for midwife to transport than for the mama to do so. Good call! Why why why in the world as the mother is actively BIRTHING the baby does the midwife prepare the gel and the doppler to listen to listen to FHT? Perhaps this is what hospital personnel do, but why would a homebirth midwife do this? Sure, if babe was slow to descend or had some arrest of descent but for an actively descending baby and one whose head she had already seen? No turtling, no obstacle to a swift crowning and yet a doppler brought into use. I don't get it. I've easily been at a hundred homebirths and we don't use a doppler for a quick 2nd stage. Seems like a pretty needless carryover from the medical model. If the descent took a long while and there were deccelerations the caregiver might ask the mom to contribute more uumph to get the baby born a little more quickly but when nothing is awry..why the technology?

As far as why we got in the car to go to the birth center: that morning we had our 40 week prenatal visit scheduled. We were having a homebirth, but we left for the birth center to go to our visit as planned, because I didn't know for sure that I was in labor. I'd been having a lot of prodromal labor, so that's what I thought this was. If I'd known how far along I was, I would have just stayed at home to labor. She was going to check me for a better idea of if and how far along I was in labor. She comes to the house around 5-6 cm of dilation, so that's what she was going to check. She had other clients she was meeting with, so we couldn't put our meeting off for later in the day, or the next day (if I wasn't in labor), so I decided I'd rather go to the meeting in a little discomfort than put it off, only to be in "false" labor. On the way there, we realized I REALLY was in labor! So we headed to our house and so did our midwife.

I don't know why my midwife used a doppler at that moment, I've never questioned it before, and I don't really care. I trust my midwife completely and know that she did her "job" with loving, experienced care. It was very fast-forward, so maybe that's why. Or maybe instinct told her to. Or maybe she did, simply because she felt it was safest, or because past experience in her 20+ years of being a midwife taught her it was safest to, no matter what stage of labor. Or maybe I had problems with my previous birth, or problems with my pregnancy, and it was important that she check on the baby (that's not the case -- I had very uneventful pregnancies -- but it could have been. Because all anyone sees in the video is three minutes of the birth.) I'm not against the use of dopplers during a birth, in fact I think they are quite important. My midwife arrived seven minutes before my daughter was born, so she hadn't been with me through my labor at all, and I suppose she was just checking on my daughter's heart rate to make sure everything was going smoothly. I don't think there is anything wrong with what she did and definitely don't see it as an intervention, nor do I think she should have done anything differently.

My two cents on the subject is this: I know I am in the small majority of the natural birth community that is not of the "trust-birth" mind set; I see myself as more on the "respect birth" side of things, knowing that while yes, a woman's body is designed to give birth and yes, most of the time when a woman births naturally with little intervention, everything goes beautifully, wonderfully, perfectly -- sometimes that design in flawed. In the same way our bodies are designed to work perfectly, sometimes babies are born with problems, sometimes we get sick, etc. That being said, I also believe in the natural birth community we are WAY too critical of other womens' births. I say this because I was so guilty of this in the past. "Well she was induced because her body just 'wouldn't go into labor'? Oh brother! And she got an epidural at only 2cm dilation? That's horrible!"

Everyone has their own philosophy when it comes to birth. Vaginal exams during labor? Routine sonograms? Internal fetal monitoring? It's not our place to judge another woman's birth or her choices. Period. This doesn't mean we give up the fight for better birth, or stop educating about a safer, more natural approach to those who are interested. But unless a woman feels she was treated wrongly, unfairly, or the life of her or her baby was put in danger, it's not our birth or our body... so it's not our place to judge or critique. We don't know the whole story. I'm not meaning to sound harsh, I just wanted to be honest. I know we all have the goal to make birth in America a safer, more beautiful experience for women and their babies.

edit: I just want to point out, Barbara Herrera from Navelgazing Midwife coined the phrase "respect birth," and I love it. I also love her blog and her philosophy... check it out.