a letter to laboring mama

dear mama, 

don't be afraid.
know your body.

a huge part of being in control during contractions is letting go. don't let their intensity make you doubt yourself -- float above them, but sink into them. give in. have faith that your body is working and contracting not in vain. don't fight against the waves. if you feel fear because of the pain, remind yourself that millions of women have birthed before you and millions will birth after you. that god created your body to give birth. that your pain is for a purpose. know that each contraction brings you closer to holding your precious baby in your arms. 

your body will not labor in vain -- even prodromal labor, if you experience it, is preparing your uterus for the hard work ahead. remember in those last few weeks, when you are uncomfortable and tired and just want your baby already, that the day will come, and it will forever be magical to you. 

remember that fear creates tension, and tension creates pain. stay completely loose -- your fists, your legs, your arms, your shoulders. when you are laboring hard, the contractions will be so intense that they will demand every bit of your attention. concentrate through each one. remember that they will come in waves -- they will become greater and greater and until they peak, and then they will slowly loosen their grip. relax, though you will want to tense up. breathe, though you will want to hold it in. remember: let go.

as a natural reaction, you will want to tense your body. sort of like... when you are so cold that you can't help shivering, or when you stub your toe and you can't keep from howling and jumping up and down. except it will be harder. of course! but you can do it. you are strong.

do what you need to to keep your body loose. move to the rhythm your body will give you. work with the contraction. give into the contraction. sway back and forth. go on all fours. lean over a table. use low, loud moans rather than high, strained sounds and breathe through loose lips to keep your face from tensing. move your head, shake your hands, roll your hips, put your head back and let the intensity out through your voice. do what feels most comfortable to you. try different positions. listen to your body. breathe. don't forget to breathe. when the wave comes crashing into you and you want to hold your breath, don't. breathe! in and out, with force. send oxygen to your baby. in through your nose and out through your mouth. move and breathe. if something doesn't feel right, tell someone. if you need to move or walk or lay down or not be touched in a certain way, make sure someone knows. 

remind yourself over and over that you are made to do this! tell yourself, just a few moments until this one has passed. listen to a song that will give you strength. watch birth videos to give you encouragement. know that if they can do it, you can do it! trust in the strength of your amazing body, and trust in god, remember that god has blessed you with this amazing honor -- to grow, carry and birth a life. 

when it gets hard, try talking to your baby. tell her you can't wait to hold her. tell her how much you love and adore her. tell her she is doing a good job and that you are working hard with her. remember that the instant she is born, the pain will completely vanish, lost in indescribable joy and amazement, that your heart will be in your throat as you lift her to your chest and kiss her precious, damp head and breath in the sweetest scent -- a scent that to you, as her mama, will smell stronger than to anyone else in the room. you'll remember that scent forever!

you will think over and over about her birth! the birth she chooses will be a part of her story. maybe not everything will go as planned. maybe it be completely different than what you hoped or assumed -- but that's okay. it's the beginning of her story, and it is beautiful. however it unfolds. embrace it.

after she is born, the days that follow will absolutely be the most beautiful days of your life. more beautiful than anything else you will ever experience. you'll be floating in the clouds! every funny face, every whimper, every cry, every time she is nourished by your body -- you will just fall more and more in love. you will watch her and not be able to take your eyes off of her!  everything will mean something different to you. everything will be brighter, more purposeful. you'll feel wiser, and at the same time, like there is so much more mystery to life. love songs will be sung to her. you're just too good to be true, can't take my eyes off of you. you're like heaven to touch, i want to hold you so much. at long last love has arrived, and i thank god i'm alive. you're just too good to be true. can't take my eyes off of you. remember when you are going through the absolute hardest part of labor that you are about to experience the absolute best thing god has gifted humanity. a precious, tiny person that you will love more than anything in the entire world.

one of those days

oh, lordy. we're pulling ourselves out of the deep, dark, snotty hole of "we feel like crap" and getting over a mild bug (and austen's first illness). finally around 3:30 yesterday afternoon i decided i should try to clean the house after letting it go to sh!t for about a week. today the back bedrooms still hold evidence of the week behind us. dirty diapers piled on the back of the toilet. toys in every corner. blankets strewn about. laundry that is multiplying at an alarming rate; i am trying to find a way to approach this issue that does not involve folding & putting away, obviously. and then, this morning, the day started off in the worst possible way: a tiff with my husband. why is it that i care so much about what this one person thinks? i can forgive myself for things, i can get over arguments with family members, and i can take a deep breath after yelling at my kid and chill out, but when my husband and i aren't in communion, nothing else matters until that is fixed. i love him. i need things to be right with him before i feel remotely functional.

some days, it's not that a bunch of horrible things happen that turn the day sour. most of the time, it's little things sprinkled in here and there, and the frustration just builds. today was one of those days. so, fast forward a few hours later. i was moping around and making lunch for river and myself, when austen started screaming (she gets worked up really quickly) and wanted to nurse RIGHT NOW. i put my meal aside and set river in his high chair to eat, and tried to nurse austen. she's always had some latch issues, and when she's already hungry and mad, it just makes things worse. while she was trying to get in a comfortable position and gulp in between sobs the breastmilk that was letting down just too fast, river decided to stand up in his high chair to reach over and grab an open can of green beans that i sat down on the counter a bit too close to him, and got his fingers stuck in between the sharp top and the open mouth of the can. now, imagine me running over, trying to hold a screaming infant with my boob hanging out, yelling at river to STOP PULLING! LET GO, LET GO! MOMMY WILL HELP YOU! RIVER, STOP PULLING!

oh let me tell you, there's nothing like some baby screaming during a blood-pressure raising situation like such to make you loose your appetite. at that moment i decided that for the sake of my sanity and the well-being of my children, i needed to brew a pot of coffee. i still have not eaten my lunch, but frankly, i am still recovering and tuna tacos just doesn't sound that great right now. (blech, when does tuna ever sound good?) austen is now down for her long afternoon nap and river is reading books for rest time, and not to worry, i have coffee in hand.

vegan sugar-free pancakes

i found a recipe for super easy pancakes the other day and tweaked it to be sugar-free and vegan. i'm not concerned with eating a vegan diet, but when you don't have milk or eggs on hand, it's pretty convenient. plus you get the added crunchy/hipster factor of saying, "oh yeah, these are totally vegan." baking with stevia is not something i do often, but i've learned that using stevia in recipes that call for very little sugar, like pancakes or biscuits, works best if you don't care for the stevia aftertaste (like me). i think the amount of stevia used will also depend on what brand of stevia you buy. i am using sweetleaf and 3/4 teaspoon equals the sweetness of 2 tablespoons of sugar.

this recipe will make about ten decent-sized pancakes:

2 1/2 cups of flour (any -- i used white whole wheat)

3/4 teaspoon stevia 

1 1/2 tablespoon baking powder

1 teaspoon salt

2 3/4 cups water

1 tablespoon coconut oil (make sure it's not solid!)

- sift the dry ingredients. make sure there are not any clumps of stevia. you do not want a bite of pancake with a big clump of stevia or baking soda. very bad memories.

- an easy way to melt the coconut oil if you live in a cooler climate (like me YAY!) and it is most likely solid is to whisk it in the 2 1/2 cups of water, heated. then add the oil/water mixture to the dry ingredients and combine.

- one thing i've learned about making horrible pancakes for years that get slightly better with each try, your skillet is perfect if, when you spray a little water from your fingers, it balls up and rolls & "dances" in the skillet. if it's too hot, the water will evaporate immediately. if you haven't seen water dance on a skillet, you will know when you've seen it and it will intrigue you like it did me. 

from here on out, i'm hoping you know how to pour batter onto the skillet and flip the pancake when the cooked side is firm enough. i will assume you do. because even i know how to do that. proceed with pancake preparations! bananas taste great on these -- do it.

a mama's "good morning!"

in the mornings, i would like to greet the day by sleepily strolling to the living room, opening the blinds, pouring myself a cup of coffee, and finishing the process of a gentle awakening with a good book.

but no.

HEY MAMA, HEY MAMA. I MUNT PEA-BUTTA JAY SANICH. HEY MAMA, HELP ME DO DIS MAMA. HEY MAMA, I GET IN HIGH CHAIR. HEY MAMA, MUNTA BITE? HEY MAMA, YOU WASH MINE HANDS? HEY MAMA I DEET DOWN? HEY MAMA, I WATS SUMPING ON TD. HEY MAMA, DADDY GO WORK, MAMA? HEY MAMA BAPAH GO WORK? SKY AT COOL? AJ AT COOL? EMMA AT COOL? NINI AT HOME? HEY MAMA, WE GO NINI'S HOUSE PEASE? I MUNTA GO NINI'S HOUSE, MAMA! HEY MAMA I TAKE A BAF? HEY MAMA WHERE COLBY? OH DARE HE IS! HEY MAMA DARE'S COLBY! YOOK, MAMA! DARE'S COLBY! HI COLBY! HEY MAMA, YOU TURN DA HEATER? HEY MAMA, C'MERE. MAMA, YOOK MAMA, C'MERE MAMA! TURN DA HEATER! HEY MAMA I GO PAY IN MY MOOM. HEY MAMA, YOU TURN ON DA YIGHT PEASE, MAMA? HEY MAMA YOOK AT MY YOTSEE YOTSA CARS! HEY MAMA, HEY MAMA, HEY MAMA. HEY MAMA!

written in fluent riverish. can you translate? ;)

over the weekend

last weekend was a freakin' good weekend. on friday night, my parents called and asked if river could spend the night. um, yes?! when would i pass up the chance to have a quiet, toddler-free night? i am so used to being needed, that even after he was gone, i kept feeling like he was still here. john's cousin sarah has also moved to washington and is living with us, and every night we do this thing where we play scrabble and watch multiple episodes the office because we have no other friends and nothing better to do. i kept feeling like river might wake up at any moment and need me to lie down with him like most nights, and then i'd realize he wasn't there. talk about a much-needed deep, clear breath of free time. after my dad and sister picked him up, we spent the remainder of our evening quietly eating crappy vegan banana bread while quietly playing scrabble and quietly sipping vegan hot cocoa (totally not going vegan, but saying you're eating vegan food makes you cooler, right? we just haven't bought any milk or butter lately). it was all very quiet. ahhh, nice. sometimes mama just needs a break. thanks to my own mama, i get that sometimes.

when we lived in san antonio, we worked as freelance photographers and john, also as a graphic designer. it's not easy or realistic to pick up a business and just move it across the country. we have no contacts here and therefore, no way to continue photography. we were very blessed though, as john was able to find a great job almost immediately. this means he works out of the house full-time -- something we're not used to. it's not until now that i realized that advantages of having my husband home all the time. even when he was working, if i needed him to hold a baby or change a diaper or clean sticky hands, he was there to help me. with him working outside the hosue, putting the kids on a routine was easy, but it also means by the weekend we are really missing the papa bear. our weekends are spent soaking up our time as a family of four. taking it slow and enjoying simple things together, like car rides and listening to music and eating a meal together. since river was at my parents', saturday morning we decided to take advantage of just being mama, daddy & very quiet three-month-old who can neither walk nor talk, and went to barnes & noble to sip on hot tea and read over-priced books which we will never take home (must find this at the library... and this, and this one too... oh, and this one..) i love barnes. it's my quiet place, my sanctuary, my place to go and recharge and breath oxygen and sanity into my mommy brain.

after taking in our fill of yummy books, we stopped at starbucks with our "happy birthday free drink" cards (i got a venti chai tea latte with breve and a shot of peppermint syrup.. oh, it's the little things, people). then we finally headed to my parents' to get river. it was an absolute perfect day outside. the skies were crystal blue and sunny, and it was much warmer than it has been.  i've really become aclimated to this cold weather. in san antonio, "fall" weather is in the 60s, and i'm usually one of those wimps that needs a sweater. that weekend i was totally bragging about not even needed a jacket in 57 degrees. does that mean i am officially a northerner? taking advantage of the temperature and the quickly setting sun, we took river and my little sister to a nearby park called wonderwood.

washington is such a beautiful state. the north has a certain smell, and i realized as we were walking up the path to the playground. it's a very nostalgic smell for me. just beautiful. and the mountain -- it still amazes me every time. i have yet to get a good picture of it. i can't do it justice.

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