7.31.2012

i hated being pregnant





I recently received a message from a sweet girl with whom I share a mutual friend. We don't know one another very well, but she is going through a difficult first pregnancy and wanted to talk to someone who openly admitted to hating being pregnant, and if you read any of the blog posts I wrote when I was pregnant, it won't take you long to see that pregnancy and I do NOT get along well. Being pregnant with my sweet babies brought along with it about four months of  throwing up every day, sometimes multiple times a day (18 weeks during my first pregnancy, 24 weeks during the second). I had anemia that left me exhausted, week, and light-headed, my back and hips hurt so horribly that sometimes I could hardly lean down or walk without crying out in pain, and during my second pregnancy I was crazy-bitch emotional.

It is hard admitting you hate being pregnant, especially when people act like you should think it is a beautiful, amazing thing and should enjoy it. I have yet to find a woman who has gone through extreme morning sickness and says they "loved" being pregnant. I hated being pregnant. Hated. Being pregnant and dealing with extreme morning sickness, anemia, aches, pains, exhaustion, hormones, depression, anger even... I understand that all. There is nothing "beautiful" or "amazing" about that shit!

The truth is that what your body is doing is amazing, but that doesn't mean it feels all butterflies and sunshine, or that you even have to like it. You should certainly have more respect for your body when all is said and done. It is amazing to see what your body went through and what your body is capable of. But it's okay to feel "victim" to the pregnancy. On top of feeling like a pile of crap, the hormones and emotions make processing everything ten times harder. When I was pregnant with Austen, I cried practically every day. I am not kidding. I was so emotional during that pregnancy, and then that roller coaster went down hill at full-speed as I dealt with postpartum depression. We expect to feel better after birth, but our body is trying to go back to normal, and the hormones are just as out-of-whack as they were during pregnancy.

Then the daunting part was that when I was pregnant with River, so many people told me that it was going to be even harder when the baby arrived, that I would wish I was pregnant again. I remember sitting through my birth class and my midwife explaining how birth is a labyrinth, and then raising a newborn is the way out of the labyrinth. That it was be difficult and that I would feel confused and lost sometimes, but that I would find my way out. I was disappointed, because I wanted to be done with all the confusing, scary stuff after labor.

There are difficult days. Many times parenting confuses me and I feel lost. If anyone says differently, I'm just going to throw it out there that they are probably lying. But when my babies were born, it felt so right, and was so much better than being pregnant. It's challenging in an entirely different way than a difficult pregnancy. Don't hold me to it, but if you are going through an incredibly difficult pregnancy, I think you are going to feel the same. I am going to guess that the women telling you differently had pretty easy pregnancies. Until someone has spent four months puking their guts out every day, not being able to eat because their esophagus is torn and bleeding, not being able to catch a whiff of anything without gagging or throwing up... they have no clue what you are going through.

I was relieved. I would trade puking my guts out and damaging my esophagus for those long nights with a crying, wide-awake baby any day. ANY DAY! I can imagine that if I'd had easy pregnancies, maybe I would wish I was pregnant again on those difficult early days. But nothing has been harder than being pregnant with morning sickness for months. Nothing. Not even labor. Not even my excruciating labor with Austen. After both my babies, I said I would much rather give birth again than have morning sickness.

Hating pregnancy does not make you a bad mom. You hate what your body is having to go through... not your precious baby. Emotions may make you feel bitter toward the little person inside you who is causing all of this, but your logical mind knows it's not your baby's fault. When you are pregnant, it is okay to indulge in your emotions. It's okay to just sit there and cry your eyes out and think WHY ME?!! It really is. Look at your emotions straight in the face, even while the logical side is saying, "I know I'm just feeling like this because I'm hormonal... I know this will pass." Don't feel guilty. Guilt never does a mother good. You will find plenty of other things to feel guilty about as your child grows!

Every woman experiences pregnancy differently, and every emotion needs validation.

14 comments:

  1. I love to be pragnent, it's realy amazing time for me... so many changes, so many joy. I look forward for my little baby. Our son will born for 2 weeks. Can't wait :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you for this lovely post. I am 9 weeks into my first pregnancy and am finding it to be less what I expected and more guilt and anger for being upset that everything that once made me blissfully happy (coffee being the hardest) now only makes me ill. It is nice to see your honesty and candor. Thanks!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I totally understand. (hugs) Coffee was a big one for me during my first pregnancy! I craved it like a mad woman and the smell settled my stomach, but it was the only thing that gave me heartburn... horrible, keep-me-up-all-night heartburn. So I had to do without it. That was so hard! I hope your time of pregnancy sickness passes quickly and you'll be able to enjoy it as you get closer to meeting your little one!

      Delete
  3. My son will be 1 year old next week and I can't wait to fall pregnant again. I LOVED being pregnant, had an easy pregnancy and felt absolutely right for the first time in my life, finally accepting and loving my body. It's sad to hear from such bad experiences, I didn't realize it could be this way. Love, Cecile

    ReplyDelete
  4. Just spoke to someone who was voicing this very thing.... God is good to have you validate this confusion, and betrayal she has expressed about her body... I thank you my friend.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I had an amazing and exceptional pregnancy the first time around - and a miserable pregnancy the second time around. The second pregnancy I vowed to never ever do it again. Of course, I've changed my mind, but I was absolutely miserable at the time. It's hard work for some and can drastically vary every pregnancy. I craved foods that I hated in general and was sick ad had heartburn. Everything hurt. I was an emotional wreck. Luckily, I wasn't in denial about all that and neither were the people around me. They absorbed my viciousness well, rather than bouncing I back to me. That helped tons.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Absorbed my viciousness so well, rather than bouncing it back to me" -- worded so well, Elise! That's really what a pregnant woman needs. To be loved, empathized. I was pretty vicious myself the second time around. Yikes.

      Delete
  6. I just had my first baby in April. I had a very "easy" pregnancy, physically, but still hated being pregnant. Now I look at my sweet, perfect little friend and can't imagine him being there that whole time because I was so miserable and he makes me so happy. Such a strange paradox.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know, it really is so strange. The person you love most in life, and you have to go through hell to get them here... symbolic that a mother really WILL go through anything for their child. Even with an easy pregnancy, I can understand hating it. Pregnancy can be a very mysterious, lonely time sometimes -- so can parenting. But in the end, so much love, so much joy, it's overwhelming! Congratulations on your first baby! :)

      Delete
  7. My experience was the same Whitney... all 6 times. I love having kids and being a mom, and I love birth, breastfeeding and everything about the newborn experience... but I HATE being pregnant. At the moment I'm 9 days overdue and still horribly nauseated.

    When I hear women talk about how much they enjoy pregnancy it's hard not to be envious! I would not be done having babies if I had an easier time of it. But I just don't think I can go through it again even though, as I said, I don't feel "done".

    I try very hard to be positive about pregnancy and I do not take it for granted that my babies are all healthy!

    ReplyDelete
  8. i hate being pregnant .... feeling sick 24/7 ,spitting every minute ,i even feel like crying as im writting this

    ReplyDelete
  9. Being pregnant has so many different angles that it is sometimes hard to differ where the 'hate' comes from. It is so not acknowledged that pregnancies are an invasive change to body and mind. From physically preparing to let a child grow in your body to the 'inner/outer' change, becoming a person who will need to take a lot of decisions on her own. The first you can do almost nothing about and you have to surrender... the second is hard work. Mentally you need to take a distance from a lot of very familiar feelings and bonds. You need to become a real individual. I think man are not even in a small way forced to a just or forcefully grow like we are. In this day and age it is hard to find you own way, but that is what you need to do. The sooner you start, the better you will feel. Take control without being controlling. Any questions? please ask. I am trying to prepare a book containing the advise from, experienced women! jacobien@cobuse.nl

    ReplyDelete
  10. I am almost 22 weeks pregnant with baby number 2, my first will be almost 16 when she becomes a sister. I was sick for 17 weeks, I lost 4kgs I did hate it but at the same time was thankful that I was pregnant. I am not sure I could do it again as I had nothing left in the tank 5 weeks off work. I am not back at yoga walking and the gym oh and work. I need to make sure I get that picture of my daughter and I before she is no longer an only child ;).
    We are excited about what the future holds for us as a family.

    Lorna
    Melbourne Australia

    ReplyDelete
  11. wow its so nice to read this. Today as I sit here at work knackered with ridiculously bad back pain and waves of retching and sickness at 9 weeks I'm actually totally overwelmed and a bit scared for the rest of my pregnancy :( I know that its amazing what a female body can do and I feel overjoyed reading about whats happening, but I can't wait for this feeling to pass by. Fair enough its lucky for people that have a good time but its really refreshing to have a good hearty moan and know that you're not the only one. So thanks for writing this blog post...it somehow makes me feel a little bit better.x

    ReplyDelete

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails