my choices ≠ more love

i just read one of the best blog posts i've ever read. ever. from anyone. it's on the leaky boob blog -- if you haven't discovered it yet, well here you go. it's a gem. here are a couple quotes that sum up the post pretty well:

Here’s the thing: the natural parenting/crunchy/hippie/green/stay-at-home-mom/work-at-home-mom/gentle-parenting/natural birthing/what-ever-you-want-to-add-here communities do not have the corner on breastfeeding. Breastfeeding ≠ all natural parenting. Breastfeeding ≠ attachment parenting. Breastfeeding ≠ crunchy. Breastfeeding ≠ a parenting style. Breastfeeding ≠ rejecting mainstream parenting. Aside from having lactating breasts, there are no real parenting style requirements to breastfeed.


I worry sometimes that if breastfeeding is perceived to be a part of the complete “natural” package we will discover some push back against it completely. What if they’re not interested in co-sleeping but are willing to breastfeed and then in the experience of looking for breastfeeding help and support that they discover they are also expected to co-sleep? Or a new mom plans on breastfeeding for the first 6 weeks, encounters some difficulty but is determined to get through it only to ask for help and get chastised for not planning to breastfeed until the child self-weans?"

but i also got something else out of it. and it's something that's been on my mind for a long time, something that i've been wanting to write a blog post about.

i'm a homebirthing, non-vax, co-sleeping mom, and i plan on homeschooling. my son isn't circumcised, we don't buy anything with characters, you won't normally find any junk food in the house, i try to buy only natural toys, and i make my own cleaners. but my son does receive the occasional piece of candy from family members, he's been watching TV all day for the past few weeks because i'm pregnant and have zero energy, i bathe him with johnson's baby wash, i definitely don't make dinner every night like a lot of my friends do for their families, and i gave river dry cocoa puffs this morning so he would stop getting into stuff and climbing on me.

it took me a while to get to the point where i wasn't judging moms for not breastfeeding, letting their babies cry-it-out, having hospital births, or letting them eat junk. but one thing i cannot deny is that i know every mother loves their child with every fiber of their being, and they make the decisions they feel are best for their family because of that love. who am i to say they are doing something "wrong," or judge them despite not knowing their story or circumstance? it's an uncomfortable, humbling path i've had to travel down, and a path i think many mothers have to face.

i always thought i would let my son nurse until he was three years old, if that's what he wanted. but lately i can't stand breastfeeding. i didn't mind it until i got pregnant, and now it annoys me and is uncomfortable and i'm thinking we'll be lucky if we make it to two years. i have already night-weaned (very happy with that decision) and i tell him no several times a day. i know mamas who have no problem nursing as long as their child wants, even through pregnancy, and how would i feel if i knew they were judging me, or thinking i was a lazy mom, for weaning before my son is ready?

and on the other side of the spectrum, i'm sure there are moms who think i'm crazy for making my own cleaners and doubt my house is really clean. or moms who would judge me for having homebirths, because they believe it's unsafe or irresponsible. so who am i to judge a mom for birthing in a hospital, or using bleach to wash her whites? it sounds silly, but women can be so judgmental of one another. from the time they're teenagers, walking around in the mall, checking out other 15 year old girls to make sure they're not dressed cuter. ;)

here was an eye-opener for me. i have a friend who has an energetic 3 year old. we are different in that she feeds her son foods like frozen pizza for dinner, she didn't breastfeed because it was too much of a hassle, she works 10-hour days most of the time while her son is at daycare, and the tv is always on in their house -- in the morning, during mealtimes, after nap. when i was pregnant with river, i thought (quite arrogantly) i would never raise my kid like that! but as i got to know this mama better, and became more understanding (not just knowing) of her situation, my perception of her changed -- not just of her, but of mommies everywhere. this friend of mine is a single mom. let me just say that i think moms who do it alone have got to be amazing. parenthood is so hard. my friend doesn't have anyone else to get up in the middle of the night to tend to her baby's fever. no one else is working full-time and supporting her child. no one else is there to wake up early and get her son ready for daycare. no one else is there to make a home-cooked dinner at the end of her long work day, or clean the toilet, or pick up toys in the living room, or do the laundry. no one else to really support her as a parent, and acknowledge the hard work she does every day for her little boy. placing myself in her situation... wow. i told her that i think what she does as a single mom is amazing, and she teared up and said thank you, that as a single mom, sometimes she doesn't feel understood or appreciated.

my point is that we don't know every detail of the woman next to us raising her children. be gentle. no hard-working, loving mama deserves judgement. we moms just need to learn, "we're all in this together." no matter what parenting choices we make, we all go through the ups and downs of parenthood, we all love our children, and we are all doing our best.

mama highlight - nataly: breastfeeding, interrupted

the following story is my sweet friend nataly's breastfeeding journey. when she told me her story, i was absolutely amazed by her commitment and the sacrifices she made to provide breastmilk for her daughter. she is her daughter's hero! thank you so much nataly, for sharing this intimate and challenging part of your parenting journey. 

I’d like to start by introducing myself. My name is Nataly, I’m married, and together my husband and I have a 21 month old little girl named Sailor. When first finding out that I was pregnant, like most mothers, I was overwhelmed with emotions. My first emotion was joy, and shortly after was the emotion of fear: I don’t know how to be pregnant. Am I really going to be able to push out a baby? But there was one thing I did know: that breastfeeding would be the only source of nutrition I’d be giving my newborn. Just from prior education and schooling I had learned the never-ending and wonderful benefits breast-feeding provides for the baby AND the mother. To me, it was a no brainer; breastfeeding was an absolute must.

photograph by christine schoeplein

I’d like to say I’m a lucky girl, as nearly everyone around me supported my decision to breast feed. Both my husband and I had mothers who had practiced extended breastfeeding and felt as strongly about it as I do. My husband read several articles on the benefits of breastfeeding, and his decision was like the others; there was no other choice. I also had friends, cousins and co-workers who had successfully breastfed their babies for a various amounts of months. My spirits were so high; I was SO excited to start my journey on breastfeeding. I felt like no matter where I looked, at the time, there was a breast out and a baby sucking away at the most natural and nutritious food our world could provide. There was absolutely nothing that could get in the way of my breastfeeding, right?

After finding out that I was expected to miscarry, my pregnancy was labeled as “high risk”, and I was sadly convinced that my only option for birthing would be in a hospital where medical professionals would be able to tend to any issues that may arise during birth. At the time, I didn’t know that this would eventually lead to the decline in my ability to breastfeed naturally. At 7 months, I suffered from two broken ribs (yes, my daughter kicked me that hard), and was having a difficult time finding comfort in any position. I was seeing a chiropractor twice a week and because of this, my never-ending browsing of mothering sites turned into hours of web-surfing for relief and support – this is something I regret.



I was scheduled to be, GASP, induced, and luckily when I arrived at the hospital we found out that I was already in early labor. I labored from seven in the morning until two in the afternoon, completely natural and perfectly fine, but then my doctor suggested having my water broken. Anxious and ready for the pain to disappear, I regrettably agreed. I then returned to laboring, although because I had my water unnaturally broken, this time it hurt like hell! My body wasn’t responding well and I was put on oxygen because my child was distressed, and after 7 ½ cm of natural birth I gave into the epidural at approximately 5:30 p.m. One hour and nineteen minutes later my daughter was born into this world. Luckily, my doctor respected many wishes of mine to have my baby handed to me immediately, and to not be taken from the room. Now finally, the moment I had been waiting for; a chance to breastfeed my daughter and let my endorphins take me away!

Or so I thought. My daughter wouldn't latch onto me, and although I hadn’t fed her, I didn’t give in to the hospital feeding her formula; instead I tried and cried, tried and cried. Finally my mother had demanded a lactation specialist to interrupt her routine and come to my room immediately. Once she arrived, I felt relief. Yes! The moment I’ve been waiting for is finally here, I’ll be breastfeeding my precious baby in no time. But that didn’t happen either. I swear, If I could find the specialist and tell her all the pain she put me through, I’d do it in a heartbeat in hopes that she’d never again make the mistake she made with me. After about 1.5 hours of desperately trying to get Sailor to latch, out went the specialist to retrieve an item that ultimately doomed my daughter’s ability to latch to me: THE NIPPLE SHIELD. Can I just suggest that you NEVER let anyone sucker you into one of these?! So once you disgustingly “lick and stick” this item to your breast, the shield provides an abnormally (and I really mean freakishly) long nipple for your baby to easily attach to. At the time, I didn’t know that this would hinder my daughter’s ability to attach directly to the breast, so I gladly welcomed anything that would assist me in feeding my baby.

After leaving the hospital, the use of the nipple shield continued to hinder my ability to breastfeed naturally. I scheduled for several lactation specialist appointments and spent hours and days leaning against my headboard sobbing. Why won’t this work for me, what the eff is wrong with my boobs? It even became hard for my daughter to keep the shield in her mouth, as it would slip at least five times during every single feeding. After having specialists spend hours at my home, and spending nearly $1,000 dollars on assistance, the best answer I got was that I had “inverted nipples”. Looking at my nipples, they’re not inverted; yes, maybe a little flat, but certainly not inverted. I don’t regret spending any of that money, because it gives me peace knowing that I did everything in my power to make this breastfeeding relationship work. My last lactation specialist at Special Addition in Austin finally gave me the answer I knew all along, because of the nipple shield, my daughter would always have a very hard time feeding directly on my breast. At that point, she suggested I pump and never look back, so I did. I bought the bad-boy of them all, a Medela Double Electric Breastpump! A little pricey, but the money was insignificant as I would still be able to give my baby the proper and most natural nutrition she deserved!

Although I still often tried to feed my baby on my breast, it became a stressful situation for both her and I, and I felt that it was unhealthy to have her scream in frustration at my breast. Luckily (and maybe because of the screaming) my milk supply was abundant and I was able to pump nearly ALL day and freeze and save tons of milk so that each time she was hungry, I’d still give her what she needed. After six and half months my milk supply ran out; I was as dry as I could be. Even then, my mother-in-law shared a story of how she had similar issues and gave me tons of tips on how I could start re-lactating, but nothing worked. Luckily I saved several bags of her frozen milk and would supplement between breast milk and formula. I also was humbled by a dear friend (who wishes to remain anonymous) who so graciously offered her milk to my daughter every now and then. It wasn't until my daughter was nearly ten months old when I finally ran out of frozen breast milk. At that point, with permission from a professional, I started her on cow’s milk and water.

photograph by http://abbygphotography.com/

When I look back at the big picture of my breastfeeding journey, it isn’t at all what I imagined, but I am at peace with myself knowing that I did everything I could and successfully EXCLUSIVELY breastfed my daughter for six and a half months and still offer her some source of breast milk for nearly ten months! My story is not known by everyone and I have been judged for not feeding my daughter at my breast. If writing this story could even reach one mother going through the same issues and give her hope, I know that God put me in this situation to aide others in the same predicament and therefore I can look back at my situation and smile. I can truly say that I am proud of all that I have accomplished!

I also want to thank Whitney for asking me to guest blog for her, and although I was a little nervous about being judged, Whitney assured me that my story was beautiful and inspirational. I am eternally grateful for the support and love she has given me so abundantly; she has been an inspiration to me, and a truly God-sent blessing!

thanks for the sweet words, nataly. :) all photos sent to me by nataly to use for this post. if you have something you want to share, and would like to be a guest mama blogger on leaves of my tree, please contact me at info@leavesofmytree.com.

a midwife's time

i love that midwifery care is so personable. each and every prenatal visit with my midwife, alisa voss, lasted an hour. half the visit was spent measuring, weighing, talking about the pregnancy, answering questions, and whatever else had to be done during that particular visit, such as drawing blood. the rest of the time was spent talking and getting to know one another, drinking tea, and just enjoying one another's company.

but it's not only the prenatal visits and relationship that were personable. the care i received -- which was truly care -- during my labor and the birth of my son was beautiful. alisa was by my side the entire time i pushed. she crouched (probably quite uncomfortably) by the birthing pool for an hour, and while my friends ran around doing this and that, she was encouraging me, speaking words of calm, checking me, listening to the heartbeat of the baby. when river was nearly out, she told me, catch your baby!

after the birth i stayed in the pool with river as long as i wanted. alisa was the one who encouraged me to breastfeed immediately after birth and made sure he had a correct latch. she waited until his cord had stopped pulsating to put a clamp on it. she simply watched and waited as i spent fifteen minutes getting to know my son before he was taken to be cleaned, measured, and weighed. she wasn't in a hurry to get me out of the pool and get on with the technical stuff.

after i got out of the birth pool alisa emptied the water and cleaned up while i took a shower. then i sat in my bed and ate a dinner of BBQ sausage, fried potatoes, beans, and a giant glass of iced tea (holycrapbestmealever), while she checked river out. when she was finished with river, she talked to me about what to expect in the days postpartum, and discussed breastfeeding and infant care with me. i was feeling very energetic and happy and was probably still on a hormone high (woohoo natural birth hormones!) and could have hung out with my friends and midwives for hours. alisa ended up staying a total of four hours after river was born, taking her time to talk to me, visit with me, answer questions, and make sure i was comfortable and in a good place before she left.

it could have gone very differently. river could have been lifted onto my chest, his cord cut immediately, whisked away to be measured and weighed and cleaned while she helped me birth the placenta. she could have shared all the postpartum information with me while i was still in the pool, and then left when her "job" was done, leaving us to clean up, leaving me to shower and breastfeed later. it didn't even occur to me how different from modern birth in america this is. i've always appreciated the time and relationship throughout the months before the birth, but in a society where it's difficult to get an obstetrician to simply agree to delayed cord clamping because it takes a bit more time, i have completely taken for granted those five lovely hours my midwife dedicated to me on the night my son was born!

planet wise wetbag winner!

the winner of the planet wise wet/dry bag from fluffy cheeks, cloth diapers according to random.org is comment #5, krista! congrats, krista... i will email you asap! a huge thanks to tiffany from fluffy cheeks for sponsoring this giveaway. :)

*CLOSED* planet wise wetbag review & fluffy cheeks giveaway!

the wetbag: a simple, yet essential cloth diapering item that i didn't think to purchase until we were nine months into our cloth diapering journey. sadly, i destroyed mine soon after drying it in a super-hot laundromat dryer. the PUL separated from the fabric and it became useless as a diaper wetbag. we now use that poor wetbag for regular clothing. if you are new to cloth diapering or have yet to purchase a wetbag, here is why you should!

1. diapers stink. it doesn't matter if they are disposable or cloth. a wetbag will contain the smell!
2. diapers are dirty. you don't want to stack them on the wash, or dump them in a diaper hamper without a liner. trust me. it's gross.
3. it's easier to keep all the dirty diapers together. they all have a place, and you won't find an old pee-soaked prefold under your bed one saturday afternoon in a cleaning frenzy. maybe that's just me.
4. the wetbag can be dumped in the washer along with the diapers, creating less waste (than if you were to use a disposable liner).
5. wetbags are waterproof, which is essential when you are cloth diapering. less mess.
6. it will make the cloth diapering experience easier and less annoying. it will become your best friend.

last month, i received a planet wise hanging wetbag from fluffy cheeks to review -- a brand new company started by a stay at home mom in virginia. i was so excited to finally have a wetbag again, finally! and one that i've been wanting to try. planet wise uses super trendy and modern prints in their designs, and you can surely find one to match your style exactly with all they have to choose from.

image courtesy of planet wise

this wetbag has two pockets: a main pocket and an outside pocket, which can be used in any way that suits your needs. for instance, before when we were solely using prefolds and covers, i can't tell you how many times we'd run out of covers and i'd have to go digging through the dirty diapers to find one that was fairly clean so i could quickly handwash it. had we been using a planet wise wetbag, i could have easily used the outside pocket for my used covers, and the inside pocket for the soiled prefolds.

there is a convenient handle that can be used to hang it on a door knob so it stays out of the way. in our tiny bathroom, this really comes in handy, because there is absolutely no room for a hamper! the wetbag is long and slender which means there isn't any bulky bag in your way when you try to close the door.

there are two layers of fabric which make this 100% leak-proof and smell-proof wetbag. with our other wetbag, after a couple days the wetness from the diapers would dampen the outside of the wetbag. last week, i really got to test out the water-proof quality of the planet wise wetbag. being in the midst of morning sickness and hardly being able to stomach eating eggs in the morning, much less rinsing poopy diapers in the toilet, i decided to switch to disposables this month (plus, my family is still scared of cloth diapers even though we are using pocket diapers, and they are much more willing to help change a disposable than a frightening cloth diaper with *gasp* snaps). meanwhile, the dirty diapers from the last three days sat in the wetbag. and sat. and sat. for about six days, my dirty diapers sat. and not once did i catch a whiff of urine (or anything worse). finally, when i realized the diapers weren't going to wash themselves, i dumped them into the wash along with the wetbag, and went through my regular wash routine. i was very pleased to know they didn't leak through the wetbag during all that time, nor did they stink.

image courtesy of planet wise

tiffany from fluffy cheeks is giving away an extra-large planet wise hanging wetbag to a random winner! this contest is open to US residents and will be open until saturday, march 19th until whatever time i pop in and close the giveaway. :) for the mandatory entry, check out the fluffy cheeks website and tell me which print you would choose if you won. here are other ways to enter (one entry each):

1. become a follower of leaves of my tree through google friends connect.
2. become a fan of fluffy cheeks on facebook.
3. become a fan of leaves of my tree on facebook.
4. become a follower of fluffy cheeks on twitter. woops, sorry! there is no twitter. my mistake!
5. blog about this giveaway. please leave a link!
6. you can leave one entry for every social media site you choose to share the giveaway. this can be message boards, blogs, your facebook page, etc.

good luck! i will announce the winner on saturday, march 19th!

on things that are uninteresting

dreadlocks -- if you've been around long enough, you might remember my dreadlock fiasco almost a year ago. where i had been wanting dreads for three years, sat in on a friend getting her hair dreaded, got reallyreallyexcited, decided to dread my own hair, hated it, took all of them out, and then chopped all my hair off? yeah, that one. well, my parents are moving to seattle in july. seattle is three hours away from portland, where resides the dread goddess stephanie at akemi salon. i've always dreamed of having my dreads done by her. i would feel totally secure knowing my hair was in her skilled hands. now this dream that i thought would never come true is actually completely doable! it wouldn't be for another year, since i can't travel in my third trimester and i wouldn't want to take a brand-new baby on an air plane, but that will give me time to play with my hair and grow it out to a good length to be dreaded. reallyreallyexcited.

the tiny caterpillar -- we didn't have a name for river when i was pregnant with him, like peanut or bean. but john has dubbed this baby caterpillar. this pregnancy is going so well. i wrote the last post in the throws of morning sickness, but lately i have feeling so great, with just mild nausea. some days are still worse than others, but i do rely on protein to help me feel better. i have started writing a pregnancy journal where i will mostly write about the stats of this pregnancy, and i will keep most of my thoughts about the pregnancy for this blog. i started the blog with river and am continuing it, and it's interesting to go back and read old posts and compare how i felt week by week. here's the link, if you are interested in following along these remaining eight months! www.fillingoutnicely.blogspot.com

3 more weeks -- i've been in pennsylvania for three weeks, and i have three weeks to go. this is the longest i've ever been away from any home. i spend most of my time in my parents' finished basement, since that is where we sleep and there is less for river to get into than anywhere else in the house. the weather goes from snowy to rainy. i have been wearing the same five outfits for three weeks now and i would give anything to slip on a pair of shorts, a tank top and flip flops! i miss my husband, my warm weather, my clothes, my plants, my windows, my bed, my books, my gilmore girls DVDs, my stupid dog, my crappy couch. i want to play outside in the sprinklers with river! i want to go on walks around the neighborhood in the nice weather! i want to hang outside on the patio at starbucks with john while drinking a green tea lemonade and reading a book! i never thought i'd say this but... i miss san antonio. :)

our house -- the tiling is finally complete. all that has to be done now are the baseboards. i wish i could post pictures of the house but i don't have any of my files accessible! (obviously, since they are all at home, and i am not.) as soon as we get home i am taking shots of every room in the house. i love house tours on blogs! might as well join in. :) i am still in love with where we live and can see us living there for the next few years. it is the perfect space for us. i am in love with our big back yard, as is river, and he enjoys playing outside daily. now that the weather is nice, i have plans for when we return to texas! i can't wait to get him a kiddie pool and a sprinkler. this child could play outside all day! side note: if i'm correct, most kiddie pools are made out of PVC -- anyone know an alternative?

i'm preggers

there is really no romantic way to announce a pregnancy at 7 weeks when i am feeling nauseous all hours of the day and haven't taken a shower in three days and when i actually do attempt to shower, i can barely stand for ten minutes without ending up lying on the bathroom floor so i don't pass out, or throw up, or both, while river just stands in the tub, shivering and chewing on a bath toy.

but on the other hand, we are very excited and joyful with our whole hearts and i can't wait to meet this little guy.

i have a lot of thoughts about this pregnancy, this new little one. some are good -- most, i'd say. some are challenging and negative, but mostly i am tearing up watching disney commercials because i can't believe i am going to have two children in a few months and i can't wait to take them both to epcot. i want them to be best friends, i can't wait for another homebirth experience, and i can't wait to relish that "babymoon" period, the couple weeks following birth, when the baby is fresh and squishy and pink and tiny and smells deliciously pure and lovely.

the challenging part is that what i feared about another pregnancy has come true. i was so afraid that if i got pregnant, i would have severe morning sickness like i did with river, and poor river would be neglected and turn into a tv baby. i can only admit that this very thing has happened, except that morning sickness this time around has been easier than the last time. i am only 8 weeks along, so i know it could get worse before it gets better, but at least this time i can make it through a meal without feeling like i am going to lose it. i have been spending most of my time -- okay, all of my time -- lying on the couch in my parent's basement, with the big-screen tv on, watching the food network all day because i don't want to eat anything and i don't want to smell anything, but damn, that food on the television screen looks amazing. i write lists for my mom of what food sounds good to me (yogurt, fish sticks?? really? taco salad, peaches, cheez-its... i hated cheez-its before i was pregnant) and cry over the food that i loved two weeks ago, but now makes me gag (bread sticks, eggs, bacon, avocado, anything not fruit, anything too salty, anything too sweet, anything with flavor, really).

and i am stuck in pittsburgh. i came here two weeks ago, expecting to stay for a quick one-week visit while my parents were out of town, but when the time came for me to return home i had come down with the flu (along with the rest of the family -- even my mom got the flu when she was out of town, and john, all the way in san antonio, got sick as well) and could barely lift my head off the couch. so my parents rescheduled my flight. however, when the time came for me to fly back, morning sickness hit me pretty hard. so i'm staying in pittsburgh until my morning sickness goes away, which i am assuming will be by april. poor john misses his little boy so much -- we have already been gone from him for two weeks and have a month to go.

it's hard, and makes me think things like i don't want to be pregnant, this was too much for me to handle, this baby is disrupting a perfectly comfortable life. but those thoughts are fleeting and mostly come to my mind when river is sticking my phone in my glass of water or climbing on my stomach. when i really think about this baby, i am so excited. and i know that "this too shall pass," and i am looking forward to feeling like a normal mommy again when the morning sickness does pass.

on that note, i promise to update more. this blog started out as a pregnancy blog, and here we are again! i can hardly wait to unfold my thoughts and feelings about pregnancy, coming from this different angle of "been there, done that." tell me, mamas.. how did you handle pregnancy with little ones running underfoot?