9.12.2011

changed


i'm not writing about this like i'm the only person this happens to. i'm sure it happens to all moms, which is why moms "lose" themselves (the person the were before they had children, when the only person you have to really answer to is... you). who am i beneath the title "mother"?





i would have never thought to describe my relationship with my baby as this, but i think all mothers become "obsessed" with their children. i don't mean like everything in my world revolves around him, or he is the main joy of my day, or everything i do is based on his part in my life, or he's changed me or made me a different person, or that i find it hard to do things for myself because he comes first, before everything including myself, sometimes including my husband, including god. oh... that's exactly what i mean.





a few weeks ago at a visit with my dear midwife, she asked, "how are you? not whitney the mother, or whitney the wife, but how is whitney the woman?" and being the complete emotional wreck that i have been during this entire pregnancy, i almost wanted to cry. i don't know why i wanted to cry. it wasn't like i was mourning, or sad at all. i guess it was... overwhelmed. almost like, there's whitney the woman? i am someone outside of a mother and wife? i'm sure you can relate.





how can a mother find herself again when she is faced with such passion? how can her life ever mean anything else when her child becomes her very world? what i mean is, practically every decision i make is weighed first on how it will affect my child. most of the time it's really not a big deal. i love everything about being a mother and making a few sacrifices doesn't mean much to me. but then i don't think about how it has affected me. in small ways that i have to really think about to discover. like... i don't wear a million bracelets anymore because it's kind of inconvenient when you're trying to deal with a kid. and before i weaned river, i hadn't worn a dress in over a year because i couldn't breastfeed in one -- and i love dresses. and i don't draw anymore, because i'm afraid my toddler will grab my paper, and it's hard to keep an eye on him when i'm concentrating on a drawing. and i'm not going back to school yet because i'm pregnant and i have a hard time pumping milk and therefore can't store milk for a baby to drink while i'm at a class. maybe that sounds really selfish, but it's something you don't realize is even happening. at least i didn't. they change your life in a sneaky, unnoticeable way.






i'm not complaining. just observing. i love, love, love being a mommy. it's the one thing i've always known i wanted to be. i wouldn't trade it for anything. who knew a small person could have such an enormous impact on your complete being? it's the most beautiful thing in the world, and i'm honored that god trusts me with these little souls.



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