i was almost dready mama

oh, hair. it brings with it so much stress, so much heartache, so many decisions to make. [sob] i've only had my hair cut the way i like it...once. in my entire life. by my friend amy. she is my hero. that was nearly three years ago. i've been thinking about getting it dreaded for the past three years or so, and i figured now was the best time. it was long enough so that not much length would be lost, and what with river pulling on it, using it to catch his fall, and to hoist himself up as he climbs me, it seemed like it would be a pretty good choice. plus, i love the way they look. i really think dreads are so beautiful, carefree and fun. i was finally sold.


well, i can’t say i didn’t try. but sometimes, “just going for it” isn’t the best decision. ah, live and learn.

a few weeks ago i was fortunate to attend the dreading day of my friend rachel. for two nights, three friends backcombed her hair into dreadlocks while i snapped shots of the process. the result was forty or so frizzy and lovely new little dreadies. quite a success. i went home and could not contain my excitement regarding the future of my hair. since i had watched rachel’s whole head of hair turn into dreadlocks [and even backcombed a couple, myself.] i realized it didn’t seem that difficult. my impatience got the best of me and i decided to try it on my own. and if didn't work, then it didn’t work. after all, i’d been thinking about it for three years, and that was long enough. and hair is just hair, right?

rachel, getting her hair dreaded.

quite a "dread journey" it has been so far. i started out with one dread. continued with a few more. i thought they were a little too thick, so i began making them thinner, and figured sectioning ahead of time would be a better route to take than try to guess where the next dread would go. turns out, after i gave birth to river, i lost a lot more hair than i thought. sometimes, you’ll hear “oh, it just seems like a lot of hair because you stopped losing hair when you were pregnant.” nope, that’s wrong. for me, at least. see, i did lose hair when i was pregnant. i'm pretty sure just as much as i lost when i wasn’t pregnant. not a big deal, i've always had thick hair. but i actually did lose a ridiculous amount of hair after childbirth –- more than i ever had. i definitely know the difference between losing a normal amount of hair, and losing handfuls at a time. my hair went from a thickness that could barely be contained by a small hair tie, to being thin enough for a hair tie to be wrapped around it four times. 

to make a long story short, i dreaded my hair for hours, i combed them out and combined and re-dreaded and combed them out again, over the course of three days, and came close to tears a couple times. that second night, i literally was lying in bed, awake for two hours [while river was fast asleep, of course] just thinking about my dreads, wondering if they were too thin, too fat, if i would have too few, if they would fall out, if i'd just ruined my hair. it was dreadful [heh!], and i was pretty bitchy mother's day morning. my sections ended up being huge, and my dreads were all different sizes [mostly tiny], and i only had twenty or so. unsatisfied with the results, i ended up taking another three days to undo all the dreads, contacted the friends who had dreaded rachel’s hair, and said, HELP! 


pretty much.

my hair, half-dreaded. the day after 

i had completely dreaded my hair, i started taking them out. [sigh.]

so it’s been a few weeks since i un-dreaded my hair, but i did leave three little dreadies. i have grown quite fond of them. i was planning on getting my hair dreaded for real, but now i'm thinking of waiting. i'd hate to wait longer; i really would love to have a head full of beautiful, tight locks, but i'm afraid it just isn't going to work because of how thin my hair is. but because my hair is so long and so in my way, i am thinking of getting it cut. short. maybe? i will miss my three little dreads that are just kinda hanging out in my hair. [sigh] goodness gracious. hair problems. this will never end.

isaac outdoors

some beastie lovin'.

someone was using an electric saw, probably trimming trees, 

and he did not like the sound.

helicopter! whenever he hears one he twirls his finger around in circles.

sweet curls.

it's very important to have every piece of chalk out of the box and in easy reach.

cloth diaper Q&A

is it comfortable?
i would rather wear cloth underwear instead of plastic underwear, and so i imagine cloth diapers would feel more comfortable than disposables. when river gets old enough, i plan on asking him. :D


what about diaper rash?
when done the right way, cloth diapered babies get less rash than disposable diaper wearers. this means using the right detergent, getting them completely clean, and changing often. there are some babies with extremely sensitive skin and all they can wear is cloth. there are diaper rash creams made specifically made for cloth diapers that won't leave a gooey residue. you can also use olive oil! i am constantly surprised by the healing properties of olive oil.


are they really absorbant? don't you have to change them more often?
yes, and maybe. the first time i used cloth diapers, i was surprised at how absorbent they are, and how good the covers are at holding it all in! i haven't found i need to change them more often than i'd want to change a disposable. you may need to change them more often, because they don't suck up the wetness like disposables, and it's not going to hold for hours and hours. disposables may be good at staying dryer longer, but the bacteria in the pee and poop is still right against your baby's skin!


what about the poop?
no, you don't have to swish the diaper in the toilet. i mean, you can if you want, but you don't have to. after dumping any solids into the toilet, there are these magical little contraptions called diaper sprayers that spray high-pressure water on the diaper to knock the stickier poop off. genius! we don't have one...yet. so in the meantime, i slip on a pair of rubber gloves and rinse the diaper in the tub. after i'm done, i rinse the tub out and spray it down with vinegar or hydrogen peroxide.


what do you do once the diapers are dirty?
i currently use a big plastic bin with a lid to store the dirty diapers, and wash them every three days. i am planning on getting a wet bag someday, which is a water-proof bag specifically designed for storing wet diapers. then it can just be tossed in and washed with the diapers, which makes it even easier.


how do you wash them? do they really get clean?
everyone has a favorite method of washing cloth diapers, but the most common i've heard is cold wash, hot wash, rinse. generally, you don't want to wash protein-based stains with hot water, because it'll sort of "cook" it into the fabric, leaving a darker stain, so the cold wash is to get out the mess a little better; the hot wash, for really cleaning the diaper, and the rinse, to make sure there isn't any detergent residue. it's very simple, really, once you find a detergent that works for you. we don't have our own washer and dryer, so we do our laundry at a laundromat -- if i can do it there, you can definitely do it at home! having a washer and dryer really makes it a breeze. they do really get clean, when washed the right way. the same way the underwear a kid has an accident in really gets clean. and...other things. (use your imagination.) the sun actually really helps -- i'm just now learning this from personal experience. you can stick the ugliest stained diapers in the sun and it'll bleach them beautifully!

river in his one-size wonder wrap that my stepmom gave me ... er, him. ;) 

i love these covers. great for night-time wear!

what do you do when you're out?
i haven't found going out while using cloth diapers any more difficult or cumbersome than going out using disposables. you just stick the soiled diaper in a plastic bag or a travel wet bag designed for the road. that goes in your diaper bag, and then into the diaper pail when you get home.


why do you even want to use cloth diapers?

many reasons! it's easier on the pocketbook. i wrote a blog post a while back about how much money we are saving by using cloth. the numbers are amazing! it's better for our planet. disposable diapers sit in our landfills for as long as 500 years, and since plastic isn't biodegradable, it doesn't turn into earth -- it stays forever in our soil and waterways. plus, feces is considered hazardous and should be flushed down the toilet, not stuck in the garbage pail. it's nicer to your baby's bum. extensive studies haven't been done on the effect disposable diapers have on our baby's sensitive skin, but evidence shows it may not be all that great. many chemicals are used in the production of the diaper (chlorine, fragrance, dyes), including dioxin. it is the same stuff that is in tampons and linked to toxic shock syndrome. so why is it still used in our diapers? if child is in diapers for three years, that is three years of their new, vulnerable baby skin (not to mention their most sensitive area... and keep in mind our skin is very permeable) up against these chemicals 24/7! research also shows there may be a link to chemicals in diapers and reproductive issues in men, as well as cancer and immunity problems.

oh, and it's just plain fun. cloth diapers and covers and accessories are so cute. way cuter than disposables. :) i could (and have) spent hours browsing cloth diapering stores. 

mom's milk boutique - free shipping, hooray!

a walk by the river

we were going to go to an art opening downtown,

but we arrived a day early.

so we took a walk by the river instead.

where mini-adventures were had.

and mama kisses were given.

and little flowers were laced between little fingers.

because this spring, the rain has quenched

the open mouths of buttercups and black-eyed susans.

[finally.]

then we had dinner at a favorite restaurant.

but the only thing there that was worthy of being photographed 

was the cute baby who made a friend 

with the exchange of a newly acquired skill...

waving hello.

listen to the trees

i have just begun babysitting a precious almost-two-year-old boy three days a week in the afternoons - what's best, river can tag along. yesterday was the second day i took care of little isaac. we spent some time playing outside, and when he got tired, he climbed up on the big swing with river and me, his hair full of sand and his temples damp with the humidity that hung in the air. do you see the trees? the wind is moving them. listen... do you hear the wind? listen to the trees. wooooosh. i said. he got real still, and listened. he craned his neck to look up at the trees and their leaves rustling and their branches waving.

what else do you hear, isaac? do you hear cars?


cahs!


and oh! i hear dogs...


puppy?


and birds. they are flapping their wings, and singing! tweet, tweet.

still.

ah-pane... ah-pane!


that's right, you hear an airplane!


it was the sweetest moment. we sat on the swing for a while, just listening to the big world outside his backyard, the things we saw and the things we couldn't see. at one point, a motorcycle revved its engine, and he gasped and looked at me, as if to say did you hear that?! i was amazed at how aware he was, and i think he was amazed at all the things he was hearing. to be honest, i had to really listen myself, to actually point sounds out to him. sounds that surround us every day, but we are so busy and our focus is on more important things than the wind playing in the tree branches.

children will do that to you. they'll bring you back to the little things that make life a lovely thing to live.

with my hands

there was a totally cool, calm, emotional and peaceful vibe to my day - all day. a very spiritual thing, and i can't really explain it. in many moments, i found myself closing my eyes and getting lost in the simplest songs i'd heard one hundred times, and i felt all this creativity just dancing around inside me, but i failed to find an outlet for it.

sometimes, i'd hold river, and he'd be so still and just wrap his little arms around me, and i wish i could say something, anything to express my love for him that he would understand, but i couldn't, so i'd just close my eyes and kiss the top of his sweet-smelling head and overflow with love, almost imagining it physically rushing over him, and together we were love jars.


i have felt so inspired lately [not inspired enough to clean my kitchen, however]. sometimes i want to paint, even though i'm not a painter. sometimes i want to dance, and so i dance, though i'm not a dancer, and i'm glad river is my audience, because i know that the only thing going for me is that i have rhythm - but that's about it. the closest i've come to having a satisfactory outlet for this creative desire is through photography, but i want to do something with my hands.

i love this picture. this was just the paper i used to mix color, 

but it was more beautiful than the actual painting. 

[which, i assure you, wasn't beautiful.]

to be a love jar

as i'm sitting here, scanning blogs of single, adorable and sickly stylish young women my own age, whose days are full of sunset picnics and late night coffee cafes, trips to europe and thrift store finds and flirting and lipstick and beaches and spontaneity and carelessness... i wonder what life would be like if i wasn't a wife. if i wasn't a mama. i confided in my best friend the other day telling her this, telling her something i hadn't told anyone before - that maybe i jumped too fast. maybe i was too anxious to see this fairy tale world of love, hand holding, dinners and movies, security in another person, someone to fall back on. this fairy tale world of coos and smiles, chubby thighs, cute printed onesies, lullabies and tender moments, and watching someone [who is a part of me] enjoying all the things that i once enjoyed - creek splashing, finger painting, leaf gathering, discovering.

[i don't regret. i simply wonder.]

i've always been great at two things - dwelling in the past, and looking to the future. usually, i'm hardly in the present. this is a great, deep flaw of mine. as i'm living, i'm looking at every time except my own. i also have this fault of looking at every life except my own. i complain. i wonder. i dream. not in a good way. i think, what if. i think, if only. i think, i wish. i think, i'll never.

have you ever heard of this method to keep your complaints under control? you wear a bracelet on one arm, and try to keep it there the entire day, because for every time you complain, you must switch wrists. well, i know mine would get switched every few minutes. i probably wouldn't make it a whole hour.

have you ever heard of the verse that says the tongue is fire, that it has the power of life and death? i know my tongue is sharp and wild and unbridled at times. makes me wonder how often my words bring life, and how often they bring death. 

have you ever heard of the rice experiment by masaru emoto? you fill two jars with cooked rice, close them tightly, and place them in equally controlled environments. then for an entire month, to one jar, you try to radiate love, kind words, and positivity. to the other jar, the opposite - hate, negativity, bad vibes. by the end of the month, the "love" jar is just as white and fluffy as the day it was closed up, while the "hate" jar is molded and disgusting. 

no. freaking. joke.

i've been thinking this a lot lately, because of my river - he is with me nearly 24/7, hearing my every word, hearing my every tone, absorbing my spirit, my energy ... am i going to be living my days of what ifs, complaints, and negativity? do i really want him to be surrounded by that?

no way.

i want to be a love jar. i've got to start working on being a love jar.

homemade cleaners: safer and still effective

the other day while i was cleaning the bathroom, river was sitting on the floor playing with the cleaning products. i didn't think much of it, and it wasn't until i thought "oh, river's playing with the cleaning products and i don't care" that i realized how great that is that i didn't think twice about it, or care.

okay, i'm not a bad mom, i swear! the reason i didn't mind him playing with the spray bottles and gallon jugs full of cleaner is because everything he was playing with was natural and non-toxic, not to mention biodregradeable and safe for the planet as well as my baby. and no, i don't spend tons of money buying specialty brands of cleaners - i make my cleaners using natural ingredients, and it's super easy. this is a foreign idea to some, but completely doable and affordable by all! my friend jessica recently wrote a post on her blog pertaining to the same thing, where she shares a very simply recipe for making an all-purpose cleaner. and don't worry, yes, our homes are clean.

before we switched over to using homemade cleaners, there were a few things that bothered me about the chemical cleaners that came off the shelves in my grocery store. one, the cleaners themselves physically bothered me. whenever i cleaned the bathroom or the kitchen and used lysol, bleach, or any other chemical cleaner, my throat would get sore and raspy, my head would ache, and i'd get all sneezy. this was a big reason i decided to look into making my own cleaners.

since we've made the switch, i've come to realize i am actually even more sensitive to chemicals than i thought. whenever i walk down the cosmetics aisle in a store, or into a candle shop in the mall, my body tells me it doesn't like it - i get a headache and sore throat. [parfum, or fragrance, which is on the ingredient list of so many products, is not a natural scent. it's a chemical, and like other chemicals, it's really not all that great for you. so if a product is "lavender scented," and not with just essential oils, most likely it's just the chemical parfum making it smell like lavender.] i haven't used chemical cleaners or other chemical-based products, like synthetically-fragranced candles or air fresheners, in so long that i noticed when i had this reaction. before, it was so common, i barely noticed.

we not only have to worry about keeping commercial cleaners out of kids' reach, we have to worry about our kids crawling on freshly mopped floors, or preparing food on freshly lysol-wiped counters. it all sounds good, but in reality, it's not. like i've said in a previous post, the effects of chemical cleaners are cumulative. it gives me peace to know that river is safe around the cleaners we use. of course, i'm not going to let him down a bottle of borax and tea tree oil, but the cleaners are natural, non-toxic, and so diluted, that simply being around them [or sucking on the tip of a spray nozzle] isn't going to cause him harm.

another great benefit of making your own cleaners is all the money you'll save! about six months ago, i spend about $30 on all my cleaner-making ingredients, and i just recently had to buy a new gallon of vinegar. and that's it. the products used to make the cleaners are so inexpensive, and stretch so far.