9.05.2010

direction

when i dream about something, i generally do one of two things: i plan, research, and make random lists until it is so close i can taste it, or i fold myself into pessimism because i will never acquire said dream and i would rather just not be disappointed anyway. 


i have had a little dream for the past three years: that is, to move up north east; specifically, to either of the two cities where my families reside. my sites family [my stepdad, mom, two sisters sky and emma, and brother andrew] moved to pennsylvania just before john and i got engaged, which is why i stayed behind in texas. i didn't know it was possible to miss them so much, but i always imagined john and i would have a couple of years to sort of settle, and then move up to be closer to them, without really knowing if that would actually ever happen.



last week, as you may know, we took a trip up to new york to visit my bueno family [my stepmom, sister tori, and brother josh], and whoa, i fell in l o v e. i spent five years of my childhood in rome and continued to visit my family once or twice a year once we moved to texas when i was seven, but i guess i never realized how beautiful upstate new york is. how beautiful, you say? well, if you are familiar with texas hill country -- at least ten times more beautiful than that. i love texas hill country, the fields and the barrels of hay and the gorgeous texas skies. but rome came in the lead with it's long, wind-swept green grass and its yellow and purple flowers that decorate the side of the road like whips of paint and its narnia trees and its rustic red barns and its rain-scented air. yep, rome wins.



one thing that both pittsburgh and rome have in common is this: you can run through an open field without fearing for your life, which is what would happen in texas. almost literally. let me explain.

running through an open field in texas: sharp dry grass, sticker burrs, fire ants, chiggers, spear grass, poisonous spiders, scorpions, rattlesnakes, a stray tick that wants to join in the fun, and possibly a heart attack triggered by the 104° weather/running combo = ER.

running through an open field in northeast america: soft grass, cool, fresh air to breathe in deep, freedom, and okay, maybe a stray tick = dreamy.

i love texas, but there is a season for everything, and i truly believe my season in texas is just about over. i want to live in a place that allows my son to explore nature without a care in the world [even if mainly for my sake than his, because yes, i know a sticker burr and a fire ant aren't going to kill him]. nature is a huge part of my life, and i want so badly for it to be a part of his, and it's just not happening here at this apartment. i want him to experience nature not just at a park, but in the woods and in the fields and in the trees and in the creeks. 


so since before john and i were married i have been sort of dreamily searching here and there for opportunities to move up north, with no luck and not really expecting any. this week, within two days, i found out that there is a woman right outside of pittsburgh who trains doulas [jan s. mallak -- the author, no less, of doula's guide to birthing your way, and the only doula on the DONA website that isn't hours away], a doula service in the city, and the best part -- a church in wexford looking to hire a full-time worship leader position that pays well and is just 13 minutes away from my family's house. john is working on getting some music recorded to send to them with his resume, and meanwhile, i have been searching craigslist for housing, figuring out the distance from the church, to the city, to my parent's house, and to different apartment complexes, looking at the local la leche league, searching for kid's activities in the area, looking for events at the local library, reading up about the local farmer's markets in the area. obviously, i have taken approach #1.




but now, i'm trying to be still. it's hard. ugh, i mean look at this place -- it's beautiful. but i want to envelope this entire situation in prayer, and i don't want my wants to make me blind to what god wants. so no more planning, no more making lists, ha... just prayer. i was praying last night, and i was thinking about what we would do if john didn't get the job, and what we would do even if he did. we don't have the money to move up to pittsburgh. it looks like an impossible thing to tackle. but then, i had this thought: god's plan is already laid out for me. for him, it's not a guessing game. if i want to follow him and my heart is in the right place and i am open to his will, then it will happen. whether that is to stay in san antonio or move to pittsburgh. and either way, am i willing to be content with the situation in which god places me? i want to say yes [i have to get myself there...], because i know he has a plan. and not to say it won't be difficult, but in his plan, he will guide us every step of the way, and he will make possible the things that look impossible. 
...even if that means i have to live in this city for a few more years...


i'm not there yet, but i'll get there. i hope.

2 comments:

  1. Where are you thinking of back East? I think we all need to live in PA. Yes. For real.

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  2. i keep checking back to see if there's any news! praying for you all! :)

    ecomomma.tumblr.com

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