timeline

I have realized that this whole pregnancy - all of 2009 so far, since I've been pregnant the entire year - has been just one long time line. The end of the time line is the delivery of our baby. Until then, I am simply going through the motions of keeping myself comfortable and occupied. I have made no true attempt at anything out of the ordinary. I have spent the year only wanting for time to pass. It has, surprisingly, passed quicker than I expected. It's crazy to think we have only a month to go. Everything I do floats amidst thoughts of the baby, the pregnancy, and a hope for it all to come to a joyous end (with the unrealistic hopes of a painless labor and delivery).

I have sadly passed up margaritas and longingly watched people smoke at a hookah bar. Every restaurant I go to, I read every page of their ridiculously colorful and splashy drink menu (the drinks are always splashing out of the glass on the drink menus), and plan on which one will be my first drink once River is here. My mouth has watered at the thought of spicy tuna sushi from Sushi Zushi. I have eaten approximately 25 lunchmeat sandwiches my entire pregnancy, not without feeling a twinge of guilt (the newest thing health practitioners have decided to scare pregnant women about is that they can catch some horrible disease by eating lunchmeat). I have also given in and eaten two over-easy eggs, holding desperately to the fact that only one in every 10,000 eggs carries salmonella (also blaming it partly on my poor sweet grandmother, who doesn't know pregnant women can't eat over-easy eggs. She asked if I wanted them over-easy, so how could I refuse?). Food effects me now more than ever, and my eating habits have changed significantly, as my midwife has informed me that the difference between having a six pound baby and a ten pound baby is determined on my fat and sugar intake. I'll take the six pounder, thanks. Once, I accidentally took one bite of an unwashed apple, and I vaguely wondered if the pesticides would cross the placenta and give me a deformed baby.

I spent my birthday lying on the couch, nauseated, but had the energy that night to make a visit to Border's, where my time was spent reading pregnancy books and wondering what my baby would look like. The morning sickness eventually ended, but then came the growing baby - even when I wasn't showing, I hated anything touching my stomach. So I have been wearing loose fitting, comfy and frumpy clothes almost for the entire pregnancy. Long gone are the days when I get dressed to look remotely attractive. The other day I apologized to my husband for wearing the same outfit three days in a row - yoga pants and a tanktop - but I assured him the clothes had been washed. The next day, I wore a different outfit, washed my yoga pants and tank top, wore it yet again the next day. Screw it. I just want to be comfortable.

When I was about three months pregnant, my sister asked me if I ever for a second, forgot I was pregnant. (But honestly, how could I when I was throwing up everyday?) Nope. Since I found out, it is constantly on my mind, in some light or another. At first, the light had the glow of "I'm pregnant? Bring it!" Now it's more like, "Can this be over? Please..."

One of my closest friends just found out she's pregnant. I have enjoyed discussing pregnancy and childcare with her more than anyone (besides my own mother, who just happens to be my BFF). We have very similar non-traditional (by today's American standards, anyhow...actually, I think they're so traditional they're non-traditional.) philosophies of birth, children, health, education, and life general. I am absolutely thrilled to know she has a new little life growing in her, and I can't wait for the day our kids can play together. Today we were at Barnes and Noble, and she picked up a book entitled "Pregnancy Sucks." She shook her head disapprovingly and stuffed it back in the shelf. I laughed, and a little voice inside said, Just you wait, sweety. I think I had the same reaction to that book when I was newly pregnant. In fact, I know I did. Ha! I no longer feel guilty anymore when I admit I hate being pregnant. I embrace it.

Is there anything more surprising than the day a baby decides to show up? I guess with all these medical interventions and inductions and what-not (oh, but I could go on forever about that crap) most mommies these days know when their babies are coming. But I have no clue. I am pretty satisfied with my ninth month so far - it has been quite pleasant (minus the heartburn, backache, difficulty breathing, achy ribs, and insomnia). So right now, it's easy for me to say I think I'll be able to wait patiently. I'm sure, however, when I start reaching the tenth day past my due date, I will be saying something entirely different (just you wait and see. I'm sure there will be at least a couple more posts while I am still pregnant).

But, any way you look at it, the end of the time line is approaching. I just don't know exactly where the end is. I have a rough estimate, and I guess that's good enough. I am so ready for time to stop. I am so ready to put all my attention on my baby boy. Labor and delivery? Bring it.

his name is...

We decided to go ahead and reveal his name. I got tired of telling people we weren't telling and getting disappointed looks. (Originally, I didn't want to tell because I didn't want to hear people's opinions. But people had opinions about us not telling. So, whatever.) John's mom kept calling the baby "Little Cecelio" (her name is Cecelia) and since we had already decided on a name, I preferred him to be called by his name. So... drumroll... his name is River Jeremiah! (Okay, we actually revealed his name about a month ago, but I've been behind on my blog posts.)

It was his name from the beginning. We decided pretty quickly that if he was a boy, his name would be River. Our only hesitation was that a pastor friend of ours has a son named River, but we decided it didn't matter. After we found out he was a boy, as we were leaving the technician's office, John said, "I was thinking, how about we name him River Jeremiah?" It just sounded so beautiful together - River Jeremiah. I had had a hard time trying to come up with a middle name to go with River, because it sounded like the name of a river... River Jordan, River Andrew... nothing clicked with me. But River Jeremiah was so perfect and beautiful. So I thought about it for about a week before I told him yes, River Jeremiah it would be. It seemed so natural to call him River. Now even, it's so sweet to refer to him by his name, and not just "the baby." Our little River!

I'm so glad God answered our prayer about his name. It's a good thing the baby didn't end up being a girl - I'm not sure she would have a name yet! We couldn't agree on anything. But River was definitely what God wants this little baby to be named. It was important to John that our children have names that are meaningful. (For me this was a great idea, but not something I was set on, so I just couldn't understand why he couldn't just like a name because it was a nice sounding name!) People ask if there is any significance to his name, and while there is definitely significance, River is a bit harder to explain because it's so personal for me. One of my favorite passages in the Bible is Isaiah 43:1-4:

"This is what the LORD says— he who created you... he who formed you: 'Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not consume you. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.... you are precious and honored in my sight, and I love you.... Do not be afraid, for I am with you."

I found this verse in January of '06, and it felt as though God was directly saying it to me. I felt he showed it to me for a reason that day. In a very condensed, surface way of explaining things, the symbolism of a river is powerful to me, and reminds me that no matter what the world brings, what I'm going through, God is taking care of me and loves me and I am his child.

And therefore, we have River Jeremiah. My beautiful baby boy.