gender sonogram

My precious baby, we've just found out... you're a BOY!



We scheduled an elective ultrasound for this afternoon. Right away, the technician said "Well, you're definitely having a boy, that's for sure," very nonchalantly. We weren't even expecting to hear it! We sat there kind of stunned (at first I thought he was joking, but duh, why would he be joking about that?) and then John asked, "Really? It's a boy?" The technician said, "Oh! You didn't know that? Did you even want to know?"

We both said, "Yes!"

It took a while for it to sink it. I was looking at my little boy! My precious little baby boy.

The ultrasound was worth every penny. We could have gotten a free 2D ultrasound after we got on Medicaid, but that might be another month or so, and by then, the baby might have been too squished to tell the gender. And the 3D ultrasound, definitely worth it! Much better than a 2D. We got the 2D ultrasound as well, but we paid an extra $35 for the 3D and I'm so glad we did. I got to look right in the face of my baby, chewing his umbilical cord, stretching his little hands, opening and closing his little mouth. It was amazing, and I cried.

The package we paid for came with a 2D and 3D/4D ultrasound, one black and white print and two color prints (like the ones above) and the images on a file CD. The technician started recording the ultrasound when he started, so when he finished he told us he would throw the DVD in for free! The DVD is such a great thing to have, I've watched it three times since bringing it home. I love watching every little movement. He was very active the entire time, and kept putting his hands and feet over his face.

John and I have pretty much settled on a name, but that will remain a secret until he arrives. At least now I can stop calling the poor thing a "she"!

my father

At my wedding reception, my dad and I danced our last (and actually, first) dance to Billy Joel's Lullaby. I cried, which frankly, surprised me, but I understand why. Even six months after the wedding, listening to the song and really paying attention to the lyrics makes me tear up a bit.

Growing up, my daddy was my knight in shining armor. He could do no wrong. I didn't see him often, and even as a little girl, this made me cherish every moment spent with him. I remember one time I got mad at him about something (I can't remember what. I think I was five years old.) and he tried to hug me and I folded my arms and jerked away from him. I remember immediately feeling so guilty. Here was my dad, whom I didn't see that often, who took me on bike rides and bought me ice cream and played the Sonic the Hedgehog video game on Sega with me, trying to love me and make me feel better, and I didn't hug him when he wanted a hug. I remember the emotion so well. I felt so bad and I thought I had hurt his feelings horribly.

As I grew older, his flaws were more apparent to me, but still, I ignored them and gave him the benefit of the doubt, with little effort. He was still the Knight. Besides, whenever we hung out, we were best friends. One of my favorite things was the rides we would take in his red jeep. He would speed on long highways through the forest and the top would be down and we'd listen to Linkin Park turned up so loud we could barely hear ourselves scream-singing the songs. One time, we spontaneously decided to turn our drive into a four-wheeling expedition, and got stuck in mud for three hours. The jeep was completely covered in mud - you couldn't even tell what color it was. He didn't even have it cleaned for a couple days, because we enjoyed the stares we would get from people passing by in their nice little clean cars.

It was just a couple years ago that the reality of my dad's mistakes starting dawning on me, and that his perfect image was tainted in my mind. I came to finally be comfortable with the idea that I could be angry with him. For the first time, I realized my dad had failed. Maybe what made it so hard to accept in the first place was the fact that I didn't have a good relationship with my step-dad. The best way to describe my relationship with my fathers is this: my dad was there for me emotionally, and my stepdad was there for me financially. What I didn't receive from one, I received from the other. I had put my trust in these two humans and was disappointed when they failed me. After I couldn't deny any longer that my biological dad was capable of failure, I started looking at God as the one who would never fail.

Time passed and I forgave them both. I've grown and matured, and I understand all the good my step-dad did for me growing up, and I am thankful that he always took care of me. I understand he is only human, and I love him as my father. Our relationship is the best it has ever been. And I am still understand and am aware of my biological dad's mistakes, but I pray for him and love him just the same. Just as much as when he was the Knight. There is no difference. Both men, in a sense, are more human to me than they have ever been.

Isaiah 2:22
Mere humans... are as frail as breath.

What makes me cry when I listen to Lullaby is because of just that. I love my dad so much, and I know he loves me, and that love will never change. The unconditional love a parent has for their child is so beautiful, and even though it doesn't always carry on to be mutual, sometimes it does. I know there is nothing my parents could do that would ever break my love or affection for them. Maybe I'm not getting my thoughts across in the exact way I want to. Maybe the emotional importance of this realization cannot be put into words eloquently or clearly enough.

My dad told me when we were dancing that I was his first best friend, and I will always be his best friend, and that he will always be there for me. My dad has not always been there, as far as phone calls and child support checks and birthday presents, but I know the depth of his want to be there for me, and that despite his mistakes as a human, as a man, he still is capable of love this powerful.

Paternal love. Maternal love.

I suppose it means so much to me especially because I am going to be a parent, and am going to have this love for my children. I may never make the mistakes some mothers and fathers make, but I will fail sometimes, because I am mere human. But my love for my children will be a reflection of the love God has for his children - unconditional love that cannot be altered or damaged by anything. Except that God is love, and love never fails. God will never fail us.

something for myself

When I was younger, I used to write the dreams I had for my life all the time; pretty much My List of Things to Do Before I Die. Then I grew closer to God and realized life is about so much more than having a list of selfish ambitions like wanting to swim with dolphins, meet Bill Cosby, and back-pack through Europe. I became content with "going with the flow," God's flow, to be cheesy, and I stopped writing down goals I had for myself. I figured God would take me where he wanted to take me, as long as I was following and submitting to him, and that he wanted me to spend my time growing closer to him, caring for the poor and needy, and being content with whatever situation I am in. Ultimately, this change was very good for me, because I learned to not be concerned with the things of the earth, but instead, to be concerned with the things of heaven.

The other night, John talked to me about having goals for myself and writing them down. Even though I did this all the time as a kid, it was a novel idea, in a sense. It hadn't crossed my mind, and I was used to that meaning writing down petty things, and most likely things I would never accomplish. (I highly doubt I will ever back-pack through Europe. However, if God ever wants me to do so, I will happily oblige.) So here is my new, revised, and sensible list of goals for my life. I prayed over them and even took a few out. Everything on my new list is generally things I've always had in my mind, but never took the time to write them down, or even actively try to obtain them. I feel like nothing on this list goes against what God's will is for my and John's life, and that rather, everything is pointed towards his plan.



My (New) Grown-Up List of (Sensible) Goals and Aspirations :)

1. To live for heaven. To be concerned with the things of heaven instead of the things of earth. To be mission-minded, and to love and serve Christ.

2. To be able to see and unselfishly submit to God's will for my and John and our family's life.

3. To be married to John for the rest of my life. To continually learn more about him, love him with a 1 Corinthians love, and respect and honor him. To grow with him and mold our relationship into one that is pleasing to God.

4. To be a good mother to my children. To be an example for them to follow, and to teach them wisdom. To lead them to follow Christ, love people, be content, and have missionary hearts.

5. To homeschool my children as long as it is God's will for our family and each individual child.

6. To start up my photography business and be successful. To acquire a small business license, design a website, have adequate advertisement, and perfect my skills and creative vision as a photographer.

7. To finish school and earn my bachelor's degree. To stay focused and on top of my schoolwork, and to pass every class.

8. To pay off all my and John's college debt in a matter of a few years, not twenty or thirty years.

9. To buy a house that will be conducive for our growing family.

10. To be able to support a large family.

11. To adopt a child or children.

12. To write a book and have it published.

13. To be able to help and support my children financially when they go to college and start off on their own.

14. To be more creative and to actively create.

15. To live and eat healthily and exercise, and to teach my children to do the same.