a message to the general public

I've found myself avoiding eye contact with people because I am sick of answering the same questions I receive from everyone of when I'm due, if I'm ready, if I'm excited, and how I feel. (And no, if he starts to move around, I will not tell you so you can feel him kick.)

Oh. My. Gawd.

And people think they are so funny and original, those silly comments they make. For the record, it's actually not okay to do the following:

1) Touch a pregnant woman's belly without asking, or
2) Say anything that slightly hints toward said woman being big, such as:
a) Are you sure you're not carrying twins?
b) You're look like you're going to pop.
c) You sure look like you're about ready to have that baby.
d) You are filling out nicely.
e) You used to have skinny stick legs. Your legs aren't skinny anymore.
f) That sure is going to be a big baby.
g) When were you due, last week? (A friend actually had a stranger ask her this. RUDE!)

These statements, followed by "I mean that..."
a) "in the best of ways."
b) "in the nicest of ways."
c) "to be a good thing."

...means not a thing to a pregnant women who does, actually, feel about ready to pop.

And also, here are my responses to each question. That I receive from the same people. Again and again. And just to let you know, the answer doesn't change, won't change, and even if it does, I try to steer away from conversation about my pregnancy as quickly as possible, so most likely I will still give you a quick, nuetral answer, or at least one I think you would like to hear, so you will shut up.

(This does not apply to sweet old ladies who wish to tell me their pregnancy stories, or any woman who has beentheredonethat and has useful advice to give or does not mind listening to me complain.)

1. When I'm due: In three months.
2. If I'm ready: Actually, we don't have a thing for the baby.
3. If I'm excited: Hell no.
4. How I feel: Like I could compete in the Iron Man.

Oh wait, did those answers throw you off? Then it looks like you know the answers already. If you're still a little confused, here are the correct answers:

1. When I'm due: In three days. This does not mean we will have a baby in three days. Who delivers on their due date.
2. If I'm ready: Do I look ready? I'm ready. Why wouldn't I be ready. If I'm expected to have a baby in the next week, how the hell could I not be ready.
3. If I'm excited: I've never been more excited for anything in my life. Now stop asking me this every time you see me.
4. How I feel: Like crap. Generally, that is how pregnant women feel, I'm pretty sure. Even if they are feeling "great," that is because they spent the first 3 or more months of their pregnancy puking everywhere, everyday, and anything compared to that is truly great. (I know you think this is a nice, thoughtful question, but keep in mind EVERYONE thinks this is a nice thoughtful question, and Mama has to answer it at least 20 times a day. And Mama's not going to tell you how she really feels. Because most of the details are pretty disgusting or disturbing.)

So now you have every answer to everything you ever wanted to know, correct? Next time you see me and you have the urge to ask me any of the above questions or make any of the above harmless comments, refer to this message. And remember, my mind is not consumed with my pregnancy 24/7, so I would actually like to discuss things other than my present "condition." Thank you.

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