these days

How I love this weather! The days go by faster, with less effort, and more good energy flowing through. Wake up, eat breakfast, play outside, play play play, then eat lunch, and then rest and restore while mama gets to some quiet time. It's just a shame the warm days last less than three months here. We were all getting a little cabin fever, I think. This last week has been perfect, with the temps in the 70s and 80s, and I am looking forward to many more days of hours spent in these gentle rays (not beating and wearing like the San Antonio sun). I'm already proudly sporting a slight tank-top tan; maybe I'm the only one who can see it, but I don't care. Some winters I forget that I actually possess the ability to acquire a pretty nice tan.

We are moving into our new apartment in a few days and I am so happy that we will finally be back in our own place and back on our own schedule. Our back door will go right out onto a beautiful green yard with a nice little playground a quick skip away. I'm going to be making a trip to get some plants and colorful pots soon, and bring a little green life inside. Man, it was a rough couple of months, and I wasn't exactly sure how things were going to work out, but they did... they really did. I'm happy. I don't need much to be happy and content, and God provides.

Lately, I've been craving an even simpler life. We don't possess much... I see the culture of consumerism as a rope that really holds us down. But even through the things we do own (you know, those things we don't really need but it's nice to have), and the constant desire to want more more more, I feel like I'm going against what I really want in life. I'll admit, it's hard for me to pass the coffee at Starbucks and just drink it from home, or to not buy the bright red vintage pot even though we have like, three pots at home. I've been seeing that even though we don't buy a lot of stuff, the desire to have stuff is there. Just because I'm buying stuff at  thrift stores, and I may be reducing my footprint on the earth, but I'm still contributing to the spirit of consumerism. I want my children to know there is more to having a good time than going out to eat and browsing the aisles of a thrift store.

But anyway, I'm more of a realist than a dreamer, but I can't squash the desire to purge and then travel and I definitely want a life more full of experiences than things. Damnit, I've been sleeping on an air mattress for a year, and clearly, I'm fine. And let me tell you, when barefoot season begins I can't suppress the pseudo-hippie in me (you know, the one created by Fern Gully, Bambi, and The Secret Garden. Thanks, the 90s.) So every day I'll half-jokingly tell my husband, "I want to sell everything and live in an RV." And every day, he'll half-jokingly reply, "Okay. Let's do it." But then there are bills, and the fact that we kind of need some sort of income, and the piano he bought me for mother's day last year that wouldn't really go with the whole RV thing. But I guess we'll figure it out. It's the journey, not the destination, right? I guess I've got quite a lot of my journey to go. That's encouraging. I'm okay with it thus far.

april resolution : media break : update

This month my resolution was to get off the computer, the cell phone, and the TV, and read a lot of books. The first couple weeks I was pretty self-controlled. At the beginning, I said I would still be keeping a presence on the Facebook blog page and told myself I could go on the computer after the kids went to bed at night. I didn't completely stick to the TV thing, but I consciously allowed myself to watch TV whenever I felt like it, because I don't watch it that much anyway (when I'm not watching a series on Netflix, of course) -- maybe twice a week. Mid-month, a lot of crap started happening and I was getting tired of not being in my own home, so in my boredom and frustration, I started peeking at Twitter, Instagram, and my personal Facebook. I even liked a status update or two, and perhaps even commented... I don't know what happened.

Did I learn anything?

I was reminded again by how much I dislike Facebook. In a word, Facebook makes me angry. Two hot stories on Facebook right now are the heartbreaking news report about the 9-month-old baby taken from his parents, and the Dove Real Beauty Sketches. Reading about these on my own terms would spark different emotions, but involving myself in conversation with other people on Facebook, it just adds smidgen of more stress to my life that I don't need. I like talking about controversial things now and then, or discussing recent events that have happened around the world, but in person. Like... you know. Conversation, vintage style. 

I realized how much negativity floods social media. Whether it's about politics, or food, or about what people wear outside the house, or about how idiotic some people are, or how disrespectful teenagers are, or how dumb a certain television show is, or how annoying a friend is, or how lazy a husband is -- it's a constant stream of negativity about something. When someone complains about their own life, I have empathy. I can totally relate to being tired, stressed out, sick, or broke, and most people don't complain in every other status update. But we really love to make fun of and complain about other people, especially people we don't really know. And when it's the only thing I see, sometimes I've just had ENOUGH. Even when it's something I may agree with. The negativity gets under my skin. I'm not pointing fingers, because when I'm on Facebook, I'm a part of the problem. Which is why I realized I prefer to be off.

I realized how much I care about people. On my media break, I really missed what was going on in the lives of others. I wanted to peek at pictures of their kids, read their blogs, see how they were doing. I felt disconnected.

I realized how lonely I am. Haha, I know this sounds very melodramatic, but in the year and a half that we've lived here, we have not found any community in which we feel welcomed and comfortable. We've been to many churches and people seem uninterested in a friendship that goes beyond a polite hello on Sunday mornings. When we moved here with my cousin-in-law Sarah, she said she felt people were more closed off. I didn't see it... now I do. I don't know if it's just southern hospitality that I'm used to, but people here just don't seem to be interested in cultivating new friendships. In San Antonio, we had an amazing community of friends we loved and spent time with. People I still love dearly and miss so much. It was hard during this month to completely stay off social media, because other than the closeness of my family, that is the only social interaction I get! It's hard. I miss having friends. I feel guilty that my son doesn't have any friends that he plays with on a regular basis. I've sort of given up on trying to meet anyone. I say this in a practical manner, not that I am wallowing in self pity. I am an introvert and it's hard for me to make friends; I'll just have to learn to live with that for now and be fine with not forcing myself in uncomfortable situations.

I realized how much I complain. I don't complain too much on Facebook, unless it's about how hard it is being a mom (because it's really hard sometimes), but I do complain on Twitter a lot. And if I don't tweet my complaints, I sure do think about it, as if everyone should know how miserable I am and sympathize for me. I'm a complainer by nature. (Does that smell like an excuse? It's not supposed to be). It is a most obnoxious character trait. I may not complain to friends often, but I complain to John daily, about a lot of different things. He's who I vent to, and I appreciate that he's there to listen to me when I need to complain about something, but the words we speak come from the heart. I'd like to change that part of my heart. I'm a pretty pessimistic person, and while I don't think I'll ever be a true optimist (unless I was seriously bullshitting myself), I think I need to be more grateful and at peace, and less inclined to think the world is crumbling beneath my feet because the dog pooped in the house, or because we have to move at the last minute, or because Austen is screeching about everything all day long.

Originally, this month's resolution was going to be read, because I wanted to read more, which I did. I wish I'd kept it "read" instead of "media fast," because while I did fast from media (for the most part), I read a lot and didn't do much of anything else (besides, you know, pack my entire apartment and move). But I finished eight books this month! Did I begin to teach River how to read? Nope. I could have, but felt there was way too much going on for that and seriously didn't need one more thing on my plate. Did I go outside? A couple times during the days that were nice, but don't forget that Olympia sucks and it's still rainy and cold here the majority of the time. Did I create things? Not really, too busy. Was I present? I mean, I guess I could have been more present. We'll work on that later.

Overall, the challenge this month wasn't very challenging, and I'd say it was a success. I'm definitely limiting my presence on my personal Facebook page for a while, and I forgot how much I love to read... so I'll be spending less of my time on Pinterest, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and I'll be filling my brain with good books instead of celebrity gossip, angry political debates, and negativity. It's healthier and more calming, and I really need that lately.

how to limit your exposure to chemicals

Happy uh... day after Earth Day! I'm going to pretend to do my little part by talking about something that's really important to me. Recently, NBC News did a great piece on hormone disruptors and toxins found in everyday products. It reminded me of why I started to live "greener" in the first place, and gave me new inspiration for something I've been wanting to post for the past... oh, three years.

Some people say exposure to low levels of these chemicals are safe, but we are exposed to "low levels" of chemicals daily, and they are present in almost everything we use. From makeup to shampoo and soap, to food packaging and plastic toys and furniture, toxins are everywhere. When I began reading about these chemicals shortly after River was born, it was disheartening and overwhelming. I learned that not only is what I put in my body important, but that what we put on our bodies and touch and breathe on a daily basis matters and greatly effects our health and the health of our growing, developing children. I learned that because of these toxins:

Indoor air is often more polluted than outdoor air.
The amount of formaldehyde in products often exceed what is considered "safe."
90% of Americans have hormone disrupters in their bodies.
Over 200 different chemicals are found in the umbilical cord blood of newborn babies. 

It's pretty much impossible to avoid these chemicals, but there are other ways to limit your exposure than just eating clean food.

Use cloth or biodegradable, unbleached diapers.
In this case, cloth diapers are a heck of a lot cheaper (not to mention really adorable). All plastic is highly processed and contains chemicals. Whenever I shop, I try to avoid plastic and remember that it is not biodegradable and will take hundreds of years to break down.

Avoid soaps, lotions, shampoos with parabens.
Or go all the way and buy only natural or organic personal care products. Start small and take baby steps: parabens are the main ingredient you want to avoid. A good rule of thumb when buying food can be applicable when buying personal care products as well: if it has more than 5 or 6 ingredients, don't use it. Go to the Cosmetic Database to see if your cosmetics and personal care items are considered safe.

Find a great, honest organic make up company.
But be careful about labels that say "organic" or "natural." There are currently no regulations for what cosmetic companies can put on their label. You'll often find certain products marketed as having "organic such and such," only to see on the ingredients list that it is one of the last ingredients listed, and is surrounded by hard-to-pronounce, carcinogenic ingredients. You can find safe cosmetics by using the Cosmetic Database. I use Everyday Minerals and could talk all day about how much I love them! They are truly organic, vegan products, and each product only has about three to five ingredients. The best part -- they work, and they are affordable. (And they are local to Austinites!)

Buy used furniture.
The chemicals in furniture can sometimes take years to outgas. Even "real hard wood" furniture isn't always 100% real hard wood. A few years ago, we purchased a new coffee table from Ikea, and that thing stunk up our living room for months! Ah, the smell of fresh formaldehyde. You can avoid this by buying used furniture. Beautiful things for great prices are to be found on Craigslist or at your local thrift shop. I rarely find exactly what I'm looking for right away, but there is thrill in the hunt! After a few trips, I leave happy. (However, be careful about buying really old furniture made before the mid-70s, which could contain lead-based paint.)

Fill your home with plants!
Certain plants help clean the air of pollutants and keep the air inside your home pure. Right after we purchased the coffee table, I bought some plants because I was sure I was killing my child, or at the least, ruining his respiratory system. My favorite purifying houseplant is the Hawaiian umbrella tree (or dwarf schefflera). They don't need a lot of light and are very hardy, they grow thick and can be easily transplanted by snipping off a branch and sticking it in a pot of soil. Neither of my thumbs are green and I helped those babies grow for almost two years, until they found new homes when we moved! We started off with one and ended up with three. Check out BHG's lengthy list for the names of other easy houseplants.

Make your own cleaners & detergents.
I started becoming aware of the effect the cleaner and detergent aisle in grocery stores had on me when I was pregnant with River. During pregnancy, I was hyper-aware of scents and chemicals. The chemicals in these aisles burned my eyes and my nose and made me nauseous. I was so sensitive to chemicals that I couldn't stand artificial scents, and could tell immediately when something was made from Bath & Body Works or Febreze. When I read that these symptoms (water eyes, coughing, scratchy throat, trouble breathing) were your body's natural signals to tell you, "This isn't right! Get away, fast!" it made complete sense, and I took steps toward making my own cleaning products.

This is something that is totally doable by anyone. It isn't difficult at all and will actually save you money! Homemade cleaning products are cheaper than conventional cleaners and definitely cheaper than natural, store-bought cleaners. And don't fall for cleaners that are "plant derived" unless you know what those ingredients are. (Technically, you could say some plastics are "plant derived" because they come from corn.) Green Up Your Clean-Up is an easy-to-read book with tons of ideas for cleaning your home naturally.

Avoid antibacterial soaps. 
Antibacterial soap is something I try to always avoid! First of all, not all bacteria is bad. Some good bacteria help fight disease, while other bacteria helps boost our immune system. And as with all bacteria-killing agents, there is the risk that it will leave the more resistant bacteria, which ends up creating even stronger strains of bacteria over time. Lastly, the ingredient in many antibacterial soaps is triclosan, which is actually a dangerous pesticide that is a toxic, carcinogenic, hormone disruptor.

Choose safe plastics, or don't use plastic at all if you can help it.
Some plastics, like PVC (vinyl) and BPA are highly toxic, and these toxins leach out into the air or into food at high heat. Most plastic contains a number at the bottom; these tell what type of plastic the item is made out of. I made it a point to memorize the safe numbers & hazardous numbers! If we can, we avoid plastic, mainly because it has a pretty big hand in destroying our planet. Using glass food storage, reusable grocery & produce bags, and natural or toxin-free toys is the way to go. Since most toys are plastic these days, buying used is a great option. Alright, I'm getting into earth saving mode... it's hard to talk about chemicals and not talk about living a little kinder for the planet!

When in doubt, don't use it.
I'm a pretty low-maintenance mama, which makes it easier for me to avoid items that contain toxins. We don't use stuff like dryer sheets, teeth whitening strips, chemical cleaners, air fresheners, hair spray, bug spray etc. But in order to avoid toxins, you have to get into the mind frame that everything is going to contain chemicals, and by simply choosing not to use it, or to use a natural alternative, you are limiting your exposure to these toxins.

Other changes we made that may not be realistic to everyone is using fluoride-free toothpaste and getting rid of our microwave. The microwave thing happened when I was feeling really gung ho about living a greener lifestyle, but I'm glad I did and I don't regret it at all!

cloth diapering a newborn

If you are considering cloth diapers, start from the beginning. Trust me. It will never be easier than when your child is a newborn. The reason for this is that as long as a baby is exclusively breast or formula fed, the poopy diapers do not need to be rinsed out before they go into the wash. Poop from an exclusively milk-fed baby is water-soluble and dissolves in the first rinse cycle in the wash. And breastmilk poop is amazingly stink-less.

When you're using cloth diapers on a newborn, you deal with less poop than you would if you were using disposables. Both my babies always blew out of their disposable diapers, and poo stays contained in prefolds and covers very nicely. And since you don't rinse out exclusive breastmilk poo, it goes straight into the wetbag, and then straight into the wash. No touching poop -- I promise.

When I was pregnant with River, we considered cloth diapers for a time, but then decided to go with disposables. I was really overwhelmed with the choices and didn't know anyone else who was using cloth diapers, and therefore, no one could personally answer my many questions. I didn't want to invest a whole lot of money and then decide it wasn't for us. Looking back, I so wish I had started when he as a newborn! Cloth diapering a newborn is stupid easy. If you exclusively breastfeed for six months, you get six months of practice before you have to start rinsing out those poopy diapers over the toilet. And even if you decide to make the switch to disposables when your baby starts eating solids, you will still have saved a lot of money during those first six months. Although, of course, I totally recommend continuing on using cloth. ;)

Here are few tips I have for using cloth diapers with a newborn.

Start with prefolds. Trust the prefold. Both pockets and all-in-one diapers are really hit-or-miss, not to mention a huge investment. They are expensive and not every brand works for every baby. One baby will fit great in one brand of pocket diapers, and another will blow out every time they wear them. A great example of this is BumGenius. I have a friend who has an entire stash of BumGenius for her son. She loves them. River always blew out of them. And on Austen, they work fine. It's a mystery.

Prefolds work for everyone. They really do! There is no trying all these different $25 diapers to find the perfect one, and I've never met someone who doesn't love a Thirsties cover. They are so affordable and so absorbent, and if you are afraid of using Snappies or pins, don't be -- prefolds can simply be folded into the cover. No fasteners required. Prefolds and covers, like I said, contain poop really well, for all ages. Both my children leaked out of pockets about as often as they leaked out of disposables. I love 'em, but they are just not as reliable as prefolds. I can probably count the number of blow-outs we've had with prefolds and covers between both kids on one hand.

Besides this, most newborn babies will not fit into one-size pocket diapers. Even my 8-pound baby looked scrawny in pocket diapers snapped down to the smallest size. It wasn't until she was about two months old that they fit well.

Have a lot of prefolds in your stash. Newborns pee and poop a lot. In the first few weeks of Austen's life, I felt like I was changing her diaper every hour. Sometimes I was! Have enough and keep some in every room.

Use cloth wipes. Cloth wipes work so much better than disposables. You'll use three cloth wipes for a seven-wipe job... trust me! Buy a few used receiving blankets and cut them up into squares and use a homemade wipe solution. Have a lot on hand, and you won't absolutely dread changing 15 diapers a day.

Use a diaper-friendly detergent. Newborn skin is so sensitive. Don't try to get by with using whatever detergent you have on hand. Buy something trusted and gentle, such as Country Save or Rockin' Green. Make sure your diapers are rinsed thoroughly of detergent before they are tossed in the dryer. Urine will activate the chemicals and will burn your precious baby's skin. Remember: gentle detergent, and rinse well.

Different folds contain poop better. I was lazy when it comes to prefolds; I simply fold them and lie them in the cover. But the "jelly roll" works best at containing liquidy infant poo. If you use this roll you will not have to change the cover as often.

You really don't have to rinse out the poop . No, really. Even though I knew this, I still rinsed River's EBF poopy diapers out. I didn't trust that it would be rinsed completely clean and come out fresh. Once when he was already on solids, I tried washing his diapers without rinsing them by hand first... bad decision. After the first rinse cycle, I peeked in the washer to see bits of digested foot stuck to the sides of the washer. Sorry to give you a lovely mental image. I was worried this might be a problem when washing newborn poopy diapers, but by the time I was pregnant with Austen I was so sick of rinsing out diapers, and that alone was enough to convince me to at least try throwing the diapers, poop and all, straight into the washer. And lo and behold, EBF poop is water soluble, and the diapers came out stink-free and completely clean! Austen was exclusively breastfed until she was ten months old and I did not have to rinse one single diaper of hers over the toilet until then. (If the thought of leaving diapers sitting with poop on them sounds gross, don't worry -- EBF poop doesn't smell like poop!)

complaints & whines & things of that sort

I'm not one to complain or share personal things with people unless we are very close. I do share a lot about motherhood and my struggles as a parent, because I think the best medicine for a mama having a hard day is to know that others have been there; and when I share on my blog, it goes both ways -- while I try to encourage moms and spread the message of, "You are a good mother," I need to be told this as well. So many days I think, I am totally not feeling this mom thing today, and I constantly question whether my best is good enough. Other moms have kindly told me that my posts encourage them, but I am encouraged daily by y'all, as well.

All that to say.... I'm about to share some personal stuff! I try to be positive and I'm not drowning in self-pity, but every once in a while a moment is harder than the next until I choose to move on and  continue to ride along on the wave life has chosen for me. On a particularly hard day last week, after months of keeping a pretty level head, I had to lock myself in the bathroom for a few minutes to have a good cry. I know life could be harder, but it has been a little hard lately, and I'm feeling the stress.

Since mid-January John has had horrible, debilitating back pain. He wakes up in pain, he works hours every day in pain, he sleeps in pain. He is unable to do much at home, and anyway, I don't want him to do much. At the end of the day, all he can do is sit on a hard surface or lie down on the floor (the mattress or couch hurts his back) and play with or snuggle the kids. I feel very much alone in many of my parenting endeavors, but I know it's so much harder for him than it is for me. He's been to physical therapy, numerous visits to doctors and chiropractors, and it looks like he is going to have to have surgery. Throughout all this, he has been working long hours (sometimes up to 12 or 14 hours a day) to provide for us, and he is ever patient and never complains. He is such a good husband and daddy. I am thankful for him and the positive attitude he has kept, and it hurts me to see him in so much pain. Not knowing what is in his future is scary, and I wish that someone had an answer and solution for us. I'm not sure what we are going to do, and I feel like he has been through enough the last four months and I just want his pain to go away.

In the midst of this, we had a most interesting Easter Sunday. I've never mentioned it here before, but friends on Facebook may have heard occasionally of the loud neighbors who live above us. We've never met them personally but have heard them screaming and pounding through their home numerous times. I had called the non-emergency number on them before for "domestic disturbances" that woke us up at two in the morning, and recently found out that three other tenants in our building have over the past few months, as well.

Easter morning at about 3am, I was just finishing up the kids' Easter baskets, when I heard screaming and cussing on their balcony, the door slamming, and the woman screaming, "Don't touch me! Just get away from me!" I knew from hearing past arguments that he had pushed her and broken her arm before, so immediately I dialed 911. (Some people, I'm sure, are wondering why I would get involved, and the reason is because they have two young children who are the same ages as my own children. There is obviously abuse happening in their home and I feared the for the safely of the children, and couldn't turn a deaf ear.) The cops showed up and it quieted down. My roommate and I were still up, talking as I was cleaning up. I opened the back door to dump some recyclables in a tub, and it made a loud noise. I guess our neighbor was outside and heard us and correctly assumed that since we were awake, it must have been us who reported the fight.

I heard him yell from his balcony, "If you got something to say, you f*****g say it to my face!" I froze and my roommate said, "I think he was screaming at you." Then, from that time until about 5 in the morning, he repeatedly screamed at us from his balcony and stomped as hard as he could on his floor (our ceiling). He even came downstairs and started pounding on our door, spurting profanities, slammed our yellow wrought-iron chair we had outside at our door, and threw eggs on the door and paneling. In his intoxicated passion, he was somehow able to lift a small 100 pound boulder (that later took two men to lift out of the way) and threw it down the steps leading to our door. This terrified me, because had chosen to throw the boulder at River's bedroom window where he was sleeping, it could have killed or seriously injured him. Two more calls to the cops and things finally quieted down. We got two hours of sleep until 7am, when he woke up and continued to harass us, waking up my kids (again), and finally going outside and making a death-threat to us as I was trying to take a video of the kids finding eggs. At this point we were trying to be extremely quiet and felt like were walking on egg shells, and just wanted to hurry up and safely leave the apartment.

Finally, after four calls to 911, he was arrested (his wife was arrested for domestic abuse after three calls), they were reported to CPS, and his sister took their two kids. The police told us they were both heavily intoxicated. WHY they left those babies with him after that first call to 911, I have no idea. They were both let out by the next morning. Not only were we all shaken and honestly fearing for our lives, my children were scared and that made me mad. I stayed up until the wee hours of the night planning a nice Easter morning for my babies, and instead, their sleep was interrupted, they were frightened by the pounding and screaming, and woken up early after very little sleep. The entire time, we kept our cool in front of them, but the stress wore on all of us.

The complex was notified about the situation and the family was evicted and given twelve, instead of the legal seven, days to leave. They also gave us the go-ahead to break our lease, which we decided to do, since we did not feel safe there even if they no longer live there -- they still know where we live. We have stayed at my parents' since Easter night, and have been trying to find an apartment that we can afford without our roommate (since she is leaving for Texas in a few months anyway, she is now going to rent her own apartment) Since they weren't out of the apartment until the 13th, we have only had the last three days to pack, move, and clean in a rush. The moving has really put a strain on John's back and our finances, but I am SO lucky to have a little brother who found five strapping young men (friends from school) to help us move all of our heaviest stuff into storage last night!

Until we find a new place (which will be considerably smaller than the apartment we were in), we are living out of a suitcase and sleeping on sofas at my parents'. That is stressful for everyone, because four adults, three teens, and two toddlers all under the same roof is interesting and noisy to say the least!

*big sigh* Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. I know it could be worse, and I know so many people have it worse than we do. I really get that. But it's nice to have an outlet. The entire situation is not fun and I am really looking forward to it all being OVER. I am ready to live in my own home, ready to stop wearing the same four outfits, and ready for our lives to go back to normal -- including the completion of the magical healing process of John's back... please?